I want to die tonight. I want it more than I’ve ever wanted it, I think. But I’m also more afraid of death right now than I’ve ever been.
I’m in more pain than I can even hope to handle, and I have no way out of it.
It’s nice having suicide as an option. It’s nice to know that I’ll always have a little escape hatch that I can open whenever I want. Just knowing that it’s there is a huge comfort.
But what if someone takes that escape hatch away from you completely? What do you do then? What do I do?
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Someone once said that just knowing he could off himself got him through many a long night. I keep my means extremely well hidden just to assure me that if it is called for I can expect to have it. I cannot imagine being forced to die in the manner most of the world demands, nor can I imagine having to live indefinitely under some of the dehumanizing conditions most of the world would demand we live through.
That doesn’t answer my question at all, but thanks anyway.
I don’t know.
Nights when that overwhelms me, I go sit by the water where it rushes until I’m calmed down.
I don’t have a lasting solution, and often it’s just a coin toss to what can help in the moment. Start looking at what’s helped lessen it before. I know some things that work aren’t always good for a person, but I don’t know anything better.
You want to die but you’re scared of death? Then suicide isn’t an option, actually you don’t even have an option. If you’re scared of dying try harder in living instead.
I wish I could explain to you why living just isn’t an option for me anymore. But I can’t. I can’t tell anyone here.
Just know that it’s something I can’t change. Something that’ll never go away, and that makes being conscious absolutely fucking unbearable.
I know that sounds melodramatic, but I am being dead serious. I think I’m gonna take my antipsychotic right now so that I can sleep through the whole day, because I just don’t want to be conscious right now.
Do you feel even slightly better this morning?
No, not really. Sorry to say.
Personally, I was deluding myself for a long time about suicide as an escape. It’s not an escape if you lack the courage to go through with it. Which I do.
As for advice: Just wait it out. An average human lifespan is long, but not eternal. And your increasing familiarity with the world will make it feel like life is flying by ever-faster.