What You Said

You said I keep lying because I’m a coward.
I already knew that…I know that now as I lie on the floor waiting for you to come over even though I know you won’t because I’ve done this too much.
I already knew that because I just made myself vomit after taking 4 sleeping pills, 4 naproxen, and 6 ibuprofen even though I knew I would have been fine and had set out 20 of each, which, probably wouldn’t have even been enough if I wasn’t such a fucking coward and had taken them all.
I already knew that because I’m afraid to confront my parents and move on with my life and be completely by myself.
I already knew that.
I knew it when I broke the glass wrapped in a towel instead of just smashing it in my hand.
When I only cut myself 5 shallow time on the upper arm instead of harder in my wrist or on my ribs where I know it hurts more but have been too afraid to cut deep enough to draw blood.
I knew that when I was shocked when I finally cut myself deep enough to bleed because I always saw myself as too weak and too scared to actually do anything.
I already knew that.
I know I’m a coward because I’m afraid to leave you because I have never loved anyone else more in my entire life and know I never will.
Do that make me a coward for staying?
Or does that just make me selfish?
Because I know I’m that, too.
Selfish for staying.
Selfish for not trying harder.
Selfish for lying and trying to hold on to things you tell me aren’t real but I want to keep believing it because I don’t know how else to be happy.
Isn’t that the most selfish and most cowardly?
I have no idea how to make myself happy.
I try to be.
I can’t be happy if you’re not happy and it seems like we can’t be happy at the same time because you told me that it doesn’t matter what we do together because you’ll be miserable regardless of what we do.
Only one choice will make you less miserable.
I know if I leave you’ll be sad for a bit but I think that’s the “less miserable” choice.
But
I don’t want to leave
I want to be with you
I want to live with you
I want to be happy with you
You said I was selfish for saying that.
“It’s always what you want”
But when I ask what you want you say it doesn’t matter and that your happiness doesn’t matter and what am I even supposed to do
I don’t know
I’m a coward for not knowing
For not realising
For not leaving
For putting you through all this
I’m sorry

“Fuck you. From the bottom of my heart. Fuck you.
You are everything I hate.”

That’s what you said to me after you struck me across the face and accusing me of telling lies again.

That’s all I hear when you kiss me goodnight now or when we make love and when I look at you sleeping  Unspoken words now and you said you didn’t mean the ones you said so I should just forget it.

Forget it.