I am not sure if  I really belong here in this suicide project. It is nice to vent my thoughts out though. Some days, I did feel like I want to feel good or have laugh a little even though I don’t think I deserve it. Some days, I did wish I could touch that white cold feel as in near to death experience. Just once, so the thoughts in my head can shut up and stop call me coward for fail it years ago. I have order some supplies that might would help end my life. It will arrive tomorrow. It feel more real each day. I am confuse and unsure though. I want to do this but it make me question myself. Do I do this because I need to prove to other that my hell is real? That I am not be attention whore? Or what? I don’t know… I…. just know that I finally drawing today again after a long time… I just feel good for a moment.. But nothing last long right?