here i am at another job that is easy as fuck and i cant seem to get with the program.
the last job i had was as a dockhand. i spent all day just essentially being helpful to boaters and customers in a bait shop. i had the ocean view to look at all day and as a man spent all day staring at the random girls that came around in bikinis. at that time i also lived on a sailboat and came to shore right next to a bar in the fl keys. there was nothing bad about my life at all. yet somehow i wasn’t happy. i ended up drinking all the time and hiding in my boat continuing my habit of playing video game or watching movies ( the more depressing the better) for the most part or going to play pool at the bar and drinking there. i quit that job after three years and soon after hurricane irma hit. irma took everything from me. now here i’m am in the appalachian mountains working at an inn as a housekeeper. nothing has changed about my life except that i cant go to thebar and play pool because the one bar in town doesnt have a pool table. so i dont go there that often and if i do its only for a couple drinks. i did however find a local restaraunt that has a pool table and though its a crappy table its a pool table at least. its really easy work at the inn i just clean rooms and do laundry. and with mountains that i not only get to look at all day but that i live in. and i get a free place to stay free food and a paycheck. again im depressed and wanting to quit. when i lived in my boat i would often take my little sailing dinghy out miles offshore drinking blasting music and sailing all through the night till i ended up sleeping halfway back because i couldnt stay awake. ive had that thing out in waves that i was crazy to be out in . a three foot tall dinghy milles out in the ocean in 5-7 foot waves. i never even gave any thought to wether or not id sink it or drown. i didnt really care. i just wanted to do something , to think and feel something different. now here in the mountains i go out walking and drinking for hours and even for days. when its below freezing i still dont even think twice about going out there. i dont tell anyone either and i know ive come extremely close to frostbite, plain white toes  and fingers that couldnt feel a knife cut.  i have on occasion in the past cut and im tempted to start again. ive started playing around with knives on my skin but havent actually cut yet lately.. the truth is i dont even want to live. i was raped which really really shocked me becuase a very short time before it happened i was still in my own little world of fantasy dreams and imagination. mind you i was 19 yrs old. so i wasnt exactly a child. but i still literally thought like one. murder rape etc didnt exist to me. and to add insult to injury i was also make believing i was tough and could fight like a black belt with lots of muscle. imagine my surprise waking up in the middle of the night to rape. by by sweet innocent world of fantasy imagination and dreams and hello to reality is rape murder etc hello to the un avoidable reality that i am a straight up ***** who cant fight for shit. i cant hardly even show anger or stand up for myself and i have trouble often enough with stuttering. and spaking up. my whole life being a hermit of sorts has left me severely lacking for virtually any socializing experience or social knowledge (music cars etc) at all as well. ive experienced a lot of negative interactions with people including a babysitter that got the other kids she was sitting to dance around me and tease. so im very nervouse around people and its a very trying frustrating and tiring thing for me to get out and hang with people. even when i do and things go fine it wears me out and i can hardly find a word to say or speak up. and sometimes if i manage to do that i stutter or have a hard time getting the sentences out of my mouth. so long story short i want to give up because im tired of trying. most of what i think about from my past is bad because i havent done much so i dont have much else to think about. no strong memories except that raped which happened more than once and my dad using a belt for punishment or being teased. thats another thing my dad used to do one hit with the belt for every one thing i did wrong throughout the day when he got home. you can imagine how much a child can get into trouble in a whole day (5,10,30, 50 wacks all at once). especially a frustrated angry hurt child. i hope someday soon i can walk away into the woods and never come back.