I’m feeling crazy. 29, female
On the outside, I may appear “normal, competent, intelligent…” but never really sticking in one place long enough as I am not able to live up to these qualities…truth. Have used alcohol, pot and travel to escape myself and appear normal. And now….it’s all catching up. I was never really able to have significant relationships and even lengthy conversations. I keep moving, apartments, jobs, locations – Appearing like a regular, “free spirited” adult and being able to be perceived as that for a short time…but, now, everything has crashed and the truth is emerging. Recently left to move cities, to realize that I am not actually capable to restart a new life somewhere else. It was the 420, putting me into a delusional mind. It’s all catching up…. 29, debt, living with parents, only worked customer service jobs, socially emotionally way way behind and have constant thoughts of death. Ive become obsessed. Thinking, whats the point in even trying if Im just gonna end it all soon…
But, I dont have the will. Tonight was close – tree, scarf…..but then…Im still here.
I know others may feel like this, but i honestly feel that this story is so ridiculous. So much shame, embarrassment….
7 comments
I know, the outside whole perceives you to be someone and only you know how broken you are inside. I’m same age as you, female, debt, (I was living with parents as I was jobless for a while) recently moved to another city, lonely, single.
If you wana talk to a friend, you can write to me.
thank you for sharing this! i can relate to every bit of what you said, every bit of it.
please take care.
I have spent most of my life escaping myself. It is a ***** when it starts catching up with us. I have been striving to stop “running” and start living with my growing self. What an effort. It seems worth it. More satisfying really. But my brain hurts from the constant changing of of old behaviors and thought patterns. But yeah it seems worth it.
been beating myself over for not feeling normal around people after having a couple of productive days… it feels as if i missed a good protion of growing up where i was supposed to learn how to relate and have a conversation and not feel self concious at every word i say… i feel you. Theres days when its specially hard out there, just try to enjoy when its not too bad
Maybe I’m wrong, but recently, I’ve started to try to look at life through the lens of trade.
Like, everything is pretty much determined by how successful you are at trading what you’ve got for what you want.
What makes depression hard is you’re prone to ruminating on your failures, limitations, etc.
Living at home needn’t be a negative – even if it isn’t a marker of high social status. It presumably lowers your expenses. It provides some company, even if parents can be a pain in the ass at times.
The reason we even moved from being hunter-gatheres to where we are now is because we specialized in various trades and traded with each other. So you need that skill to notice what assets you have (of any kind), and use them deliberately to get what you want.
I know it sounds banal, but I for one have never really worked on this.
Well, I certainly don’t have all the answers. But the story isn’t ridiculous, and there’s no need to be ashamed.
Heya, easy now. You’re way young enuf to turn this around. Much of your post parallels my younger years. “Free-spirited.” I relied on ‘nomatic’ too, since my ancestors actually were. Yes, the chemical escapes catch up with us. Alcohol especially. I stopped drinking at 28 but that was only 1/2 of what I needed to do. The other half I didn’t figure out til age 52 with serious medical damage in tow. Many of us, and I’m noticing the 20-somethings to 30-ish also, are biologically imbalanced. Not an easy correction, but worth exploring. The unsavory negative feelings that pile up on us, in us are often from unsavory organisms. If you will, give Candida a google. Alcohol is known for causing yeast imbalance. Look up the ‘spit test’. The medical establishment refuses to acknowledge Candida at the epidemic proportions it’s reached in our population due to contaminated, processed, denatured foods. Add alcohol, it can spiral down to incidious disease. Cannibas is actually a healing herb, however, only when used that way. The edibles are medicinal and smoking has it’s place, but definitely it will dim one’s motivational light and alter/impair judgement – same as alcohol. This is beginning to sound like a pulpit/lecture. Sorry. I’m really trying to get the word out to ppl that those of us who frequent these sites are often ignorant to the coodies that can cause lifestyle problems. It’s heartbreaking to see so many ppl of your generation feeling broken. Information is power. Hopefully you won’t be too hard on yourself about being at your parents and they are welcoming. Hopefully they’re not alcoholics (functional or otherwise) or religious fanatics, but at least the latter there is some predictability. You’re in the solution. It takes time. A long time of healthier decisions.