Before she was aware, she moved across seas. Of course she wasn’t aware, she was only 3.
By the age of 5, she knew something wasn’t right. Protecting her siblings while her parents fight.
From K to 12 she struggled without support. But even with uneducated parents, her grades were in good report.
Her home-life however, left much to Desire. Constant fighting and screaming and emotional fire.
At the tender age of 8, she would lie in bed, wishing she were dead.
Withdrawn and silent, she turned 14. Dragged to the psychiatrist for her mind to be seen.
Finally diagnosed with Severe Clinical Depression. She was given drugs, but to her family this did not leave a good impression.
They didn’t understand; why so sad? Isn’t she grateful? Her life is perfect, why all of a sudden so hateful?
No one was to know, and left her to silently struggle. By 17 she turned to drugs and alcohol to keep her mental bubble.
Her first attempt was left unnoticed. Being naive and inexperienced, she only woke up pissed.
Before her 20th, again she attempted. Landing her first stay in the psych ward, something she’s always expected.
Her early 20’s were in complete turmoil and disaster. She completed college but her let her inner darkness fester.
By 25 she attempted at least 8 times and was hospitalized thrice. Still nothing changed, popping happy pills like rice.
She moved far from home with a hardened resolve. She would kill her self this time, without anyone around, she could let her mind devolve.
A new environment, a new life, for once she felt well. But at 27, that quickly turned to hell.
Out of nowhere, her mind just broke. She didn’t even plan it, just swallowed pills until she choked.
She couldn’t see, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t even move. Two days later she woke up, strapped down, in her throat a breathing tube.
Another stay in the psych ward, she was a veteran now. Just smile and stay sweet, and they won’t raise a brow.
After her release, she was never the same. She felt even more empty inside, like her soul had died that day.
She’s waiting, again, for her mind to break. So she can fully ease her soul’s ache.
8 comments
You used rhyming to describe your mental state and timeline. Very interesting and well done.
Thank you 🙂
You write well and this a moving account. Do think the mental health system is helping you, hurting you, using you?
Thank you… I don’t think the mental health system is doing anything for me at all. Honestly, I think they are trying to help, but it’s just ineffective. One of those “I don’t understand you, but here, try this” systems.
“I think they are trying to help, but it’s just ineffective.” That is an excellent summary. Institutional success rates seem low.
That is very good. Powerful.
You inspired me to reply in kind. Wont be as eloquently written as yours, I’m afraid.
Psychiatrists I saw have to line up by number
For analyzing my attempts in peaceful slumber
Doc’s herding me through psych ward like a sheep
While testing me fully until I become weak
Handing me pills, ensuring I swallow
Finally numbed and seemingly hollow.
Weeks later I’m home saying I’m well
All a fascade pretending in hell
Not bad!
I especially like the last couple lines… it’s all too true