I have some ephedrine hydrochloride that I got in Canada. For those that don’t know, ephedrine was the active ingredient in a lot of over-the-counter weight loss supplements in the 90s and early 2000s; the FDA banned the sale of ephedrine in 2004 when it was discovered that ephedrine could trigger heart attacks in people with undiagnosed heart disease – you know, the type of people that would be looking for a shortcut to losing weight. Anyway, I was thinking of packing up my ephedrine pills, some vodka I have leftover from the weekend, and a couple energy drinks and heading to the park; I’ll sit under the big tree I used to smoke cigarettes under when I was in high school and wash down the pills with the vodka and energy drinks. I’ll listen to my favourite Podcast while I wait to pass out…
But I’m afraid. I am afraid of stroking out, being found, and waking up in the hospital with brain damage. I was thinking about getting some rope to hang myself with after taking the pills. If you do it right, you can pass out within seconds and be dead in under 30 minutes. I don’t know… Thoughts?
13 comments
I know this is hella cheesy, but what you should do, is not.
Just think, if a random stranger like me out there cares about you, then of course someone close in your life does.
You deserve happiness.
If you do end up feeling terrible, even after trying to be positive, sleep. Sleep is always good. Listen to music. Scream. Cry.
Just don’t go through with it.
My thoughts are: Don’t do it. Earlier today I randomly came across a fundraiser link on my friend’s Facebook wall. The fundraiser was for a young woman who had attempted suicide and now had brain damage to the extent that she does not speak, and is relearning to walk, etc. Before that, she was a depressed student. She was in a band, very pretty. Tragic.
I can obviously relate to wanting out, but… well at times I wish I had never attempted suicide. Because then I would never have been admitted, might never had been put on meds, and I wouldn’t have had that paradigm shift towards hedonism the experience facilitated. Once you’ve experienced what it’s like to believe you are about to die, life, for me, at least, becomes nothing but a wait for that moment, something that is running out. My whole life became more panicky and less wise. Instead of aspiring to meaningful goals, for so many years I just tried to squeeze pleasure out of life. Such a life is utterly meaningless. I wish I could regain that innocence I had before, where I felt part of something bigger, rather than seeing life as MY personal window to reality, to be enjoyed at all costs, regardless of the consequences for others, or for any deeper meaning.
I guess what I’m trying to convey is that I feel like attempting suicide cut me off from my humanity. I became less committed to life. And a lack of commitment poisons most things.
ummm
don’t
don’t
don’t
🙁
can we talk about this instead 🙁 ?
could you tell me / us
what happened?
why you wanna go?
i really really hope you don’t do this 🙁
<3
xoxoxo
Long story short, my health has gone to hell.
In September 2015, I got up from my chair too fast and something in my back popped; it hurt like hell and my legs got all shaky. I couldn’t stand without something supporting me. I was taken to the hospital where I gradually regained my ability to walk over a few hours. The ER doc basically said “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but you seem to be getting better. Here’s a prescription for some drugs. Come back if it gets worse.” and sent me on my way.
A few months later, my back popped again. I didn’t bother going to the doctor this time. I just stayed in bed and rode it out.
Then came the ass pain. Oh God, the ass pain. I couldn’t sit down. All I could do is lay on my stomach. It felt like someone shoved something up my ass (which, as far as I know, didn’t happen). I called the hospital and, after confirming that nothing was shoved up my ass, the nurse recommended an over-the-counter drug for me. The drug did help with the pain and it eventually went away… But I’m still coping with some gross after effects from whatever happened to my ass to this day.
Then there was the pneumonia followed by the asthma diagnosis. I can barely breathe in the cold anymore and the medication my doctor says will help is hundreds of dollars per month.
This past winter, I slipped and messed up both my shoulders. I couldn’t lift my left arm for a week. Between my back and shoulder problems, I can barely lift things anymore.
Then there’s the hellish burning pain in the joint of the middle finger in my right hand. It has gotten to the point where I have considered cutting my finger off.
But by far the worst of it all is the anxiety. I had to delete the news app on my phone. I can’t even look at the local paper anymore. I have to keep my head down and speed walk past the newsstand at the grocery store. I can’t even watch the channel the news is broadcasting. I have a small panic attack every time the dog barks… And she barks at the neighbors every morning and evening and the mailman every day and the garbage man every Tuesday.
Then there’s the paranoia. I am geniunely afraid that my phone is spying on me. That the police and government are out to get me. I know those thoughts are absurd, but I can’t help but worry about them.
My physical health has gone to hell. My mental health has gone to hell. I could be out of a job later this afternoon. My mother seems to be developing dementia and refuses to get help for it. My sister abandoned her long-term boyfriend and has been behaving oddly. I don’t really have any friends anymore. I’m just so sick and stressed that I want to check out… Maybe jump into the freezing cold lake.
Correction: I can’t even watch the channel the news is broadcast *on.
As in, I can’t even watch a TV show on Fox without freaking out.
I never thought the police would be after me until I was ticketed for speeding twice. That was fine, that was ok. Then I was pulled over according to them “someone alerted them of my driving” then they pulled dogs on me and searched my car because I was “acting strange” according to them. I was not high and did not have drugs on me, all I did was hand them my license and registration. I was coming home from the book shop. And that’s all I said. Of course they didn’t find drugs. But I feel like they had no reasonable suspicion to search with is pretty much illegal. I didn’t know of that law at the time. That you need reasonable suspicion. Then I have a cop show up to my house after I drive 50 miles to pick up a girl cause she needs a ride back to my town. The second I pick her up she said she was smoking meth all night. I take her to someone else’s house so she doesn’t have to go home tweaking. Then a cop shows up to my door and says “got a call you were driving crazy” I’m just standing there beating around the bush “well I picked her up and she was doing some… not…very…good..things” then under my breath I’m like “she’s tweaking on meth” I was driving fine, mind you. She didn’t even have her drivers license btw. Other than that, I was selling an old Iphone one day and police show up and take me to the ER I’m just like “can I leave now I am just going home. Why are you f*cking here” they say I can’t leave pull me out of my car and slam me against the back of it and handcuff me put me in their car and take me to ER where I am still hog tied then an evil looking dude shoves a needle into my knee and arm and I pass out for the next 5 days and wake up in a psych ward.
The next time I wake up to some dude screaming at me and then two cops are in my house in the next 20 minutes they ask me what I like to do. I say I help people who are in need. Then they handcuff me and take me to ER. Their police car smells like farts. Rotten eggs. Where I sit and a tv is pointed at me and a teenager sits at my feet and watches me while nonstop blabbbering about nothing. The next morning two old f*ckers drive me 30 miles away where I am locked up in a psych ward this time for 28 days. Where I start self harming myself because they will not tell me when I can go home. (I am alone in an isolated cell because the girl they wanted to room me with looked like the spawn of Satan) so when no one is watching I slam my head against the wall. Because I’d rather be dead than in there with the closeted homo d-bags who call themselves “nurses”
Then I am having a good night for once and I wake up to two cops again having been let in to my room. They send one that looks like a lesbian to persuade me into coming with them easier and so I don’t slam my head against the wall in her cop car. I wonder why the f*ck they are there in the first place. I still don’t know. Because I was trying to move to a homeless shelter so they decided they’d take me to a psych ward instead? Then I was locked up in psych ward again.
Oh and that was after a cop pulled me over said someone from maverick called them and said I was potentially driving intoxicated and put in jail. Where they called me a sir and took my clothes made me sleep naked in a cell in the freezing cold while I did not know what time it was. I kept knocking on the door trying to ask what time it was and the people that work there are just sitting around on their computers outside my door or walking to and fro. They walk by me but ignore me and so I slam my head as hard as I can against the concrete wall and pass out for the next 6 hours freezing cold. Then they move me into medical unit where they make me sit there naked for 2 more days.
Then a cop pulled me over again and said he had suspicion to believe I was drinking although I did not act like I had drank at all. I told him I was driving looking at the homes for sale because my mom was trying to buy a new home. Then he took me to jail.
That was after a few months earlier I bought a pocket knife at Walmart and the f*ggot at Walmart said to her boss that I said I was going to stab someone with it. I never said that. And that was my first time in jail.
You know they literally have nothing better to do, these people.
damn. that’s messed up! it definitely sounds like they are targeting you…
i don’t blame you for wanting to gtfo of there.
I am in the same situation I have failed and ended up in hell too many times to try something I know will fail.
So I wait until I have the way that will not fail. If you know you will be found because the park is frequented by “locals” then I wouldn’t take my chances. I would say go far out of town where you can’t be found.
I am in your situation I would recommend going further out of town than a park. “People” frequent the park. You will be sold old. Unless you are one of those loonys who think “Jesus will save” or “medication will make it all better”
Sold out
What if a child witnesses? In a park? Your plan sucks.
Yes, in a park. A not often used park. In the Northern United States, where the temperature is currently below freezing and the sun begins rapidly setting not long after school gets out. Thanks for your criticisms!