hey, me again.
I wanted to thank all the people who commented yesterday, it was beyond sweet of everyone who did.
So, heads up, this will be a long one.
In the past week I’ve had at least three panic attacks and it’s been awful. In the past two weeks, I’ve had five or more, I’ve lost count at this point.
I’ve lost all relationships at this point. My friends hate me, my peers ignore me, and so do my loved ones.
I started to cut myself and think of suicide around the end of grade five, and now I’m in grade eight, and ever since, my thoughts have just gone up, and the cuts deeper. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety around the beginning of summer, and I only wished I had been earlier. I know this is super goddamn dumb, but around the 3rd of April, I broke up with my now ex. It was a lot on it’s own because I felt a lot towards them, but later that day my ill grandad died. It was by far the worst day of my life, and I feel like if I knew sooner, it would’ve prevented my breakup, making things a lot less worse then they are now.
On top of all that, my suicidal thoughts have been causing me a lot of grief as of the late. I’ve been cutting almost everyday, and crying all the time. I am now on my third antidepressant, but nothing seems to work. I’m helpless.
I think the worst part of it is that the people I consider my “friends” don’t help and just bully me and call me ugly, dumb, fat, and a weight on people’s shoulders, which is probably my biggest insecurity.
I just think I ruin everything for everyone. I am a weight on people’s shoulders. All I do is cause stress and pain, I’m useless. Everyone would be better off without me in their lives. I never make people happy, and if I left, sure people would be sad, but it would be temporary. In a few years, no one would care. People would move on. The world will keep turning if a mistake like me just dies. I need to die. I must.
I have nothing. I’m a piece of shit.
Now, excuse me, for talking about this is bringing another panic attack on.
Note: panic attacks suck
4 comments
Why do you let your friends do that to you? that could be a big part in what is happening but don’t listen to me cause I have no room to talk when all I wanna do during the day is go home and cut myself or worse
I understand you are young. You are medicated. Medication never helped me either.
I never cut myself but I started thinking of suicide around grade six as well. I am older now so I don’t know if this is much help and I’m not trying to negatively influence you just sharing my story, but I decided I’d probably kill myself around grade eight. For example, I decided instead of going to college and having a career, I would kill myself. I verified suicide would be the right option for me around grade 10 and spent grade 11 and 12 planning for a suicide after graduation.
I am now 23. I still have not attended college and I still do not have even a minimum wage job. I have no income at all for the last 4 years and I owe my mom up to 40,000$ from the ages of 18-23. People are very cold towards me and will not allow me to work for their companies. My parents act like they own me and I only stay loyal to them because of the enormous debt I have to them. I frequently try to think of ways to pay them back but you just fall deeper and deeper into debt when debt is started because each new day is another dollar you owe.
Because I am stuck here broke and in debt there are dreams of mine I can never accomplish.
I wanted to live on the road, I wanted to build a house in the woods, I wanted to live overseas for a few years.
And there are jobs i’m interested in but will never be able to land.
At this point and for the indefinite future I am trapped in my parent’s basement.
I truly believe the only way people will feel generous towards you is if you are married and have kids at my age.
I have had 3 anxiety disorders since a very young age.. They Started when I was 4. I am now 33. I have only been on a helpful medication for 3 years. No medication works the same for everyone. Please, speak with your guardians and doctor and see what other medication options you can try. Please, keep trying. Don’t give up on yourself.
I agree with SleeplessMind. Don’t give up on yourself. Prescribing meds to a person so young is tricky. I’m sure they start at the lowest possible dose. It takes time.
There’s got to be something that distracts you from yourself for a while. Do you like to make things? That seems to help me. I’m glad you shared your feelings. You seem like a mature eighth grader.