i used to be able to convince myself that everyone would be happier without me, but then my therapist had to pull the guilt card and tell me that survivors of suicide go through hell (i’m paraphrasing, obviously). now i can’t stop thinking about that. i feel awful. i am so tired and i just want to die. it’s my life, right? i’m an adult? yet i cannot even make the choice to take my own life because it would upset my loved ones. i don’t want them to live with that kind of pain. but what about my pain right now? is it selfish of me to focus on my pain? it feels selfish. why can’t i just grin and bear it?? why can’t i just be a functional person? why was i ever born. why am i here. why can’t i just die. please. i want to die so much. i have wanted to die for most of my life. why can’t i just be selfish and kill myself.
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The famous guilt trip. I have spent much of my life on that journey. Spouses divorce, children distance themselves from parents, siblings refuse to speak, friends stop seeing each other, lovers breakup, employees quit, but my God, just let one us die by our own hand and suddenly we are are that one person they just about can’t live without. Uh-huh sure. How can we really be all that when we are just hanging on to life ourselves?
No doubt a therapist uses the guilt trip because it is fast acting and oh so powerful. But after spending many years on the guilt trip myself, the effect is wearing off. My guess is the guilt trip is not keeping me here any more because it was based on some truth and mostly conjecture. I have other reasons now and I hope to God they are based on mostly truth and but little conjecture.