so much has changed, yet so much has not changed. i thought i had made strides in life, setting goals and finally trying to move forward and embrace a future where i live, but i was wrong. i am still so weak and in so much pain, even with the professional help i’ve obtained. i still wish to die. i do not think i will ever be good enough to exist in this world. i certainly will never be able to stand on my own two feet. i am still a colossal disappointment to my loved ones. i am a burden and a waste of […]
[tw for self-harm]
it’s my own fault for keeping people at arm’s length because i am afraid of being rejected or hurt. but i really wish i had someone to talk to right now about how awful i feel and how much i want to hurt myself and how much i hate this time of year because it is consistently when i am at my most suicidal (seasonal depression on top of normal depression sucks). but i am not close enough to anyone to ask them of this. and even if i was, i would be too afraid that they would think me too depressing and […]
it’s almost my fourth anniversary on this site. i still want to die, but obviously i’ve been too weak to just go through with it. isn’t that funny. i hope i don’t wake up tomorrow!
i love it when my brain twists normal conversations into irrevocable proof that i am despised and unwanted by the other person. my partner will try to end a phone conversation promptly because he’s busy, and i will take that as a sign that he absolutely hates talking to me. he’ll say, “i love you,” in a different tone than usual, and i’ll think he’s lying. my niece will rank me last in her list of people she loves, and i will kill myself inside. my co-worker will not smile when we part at work, and i will immediately believe she hates my guts.
but it’s […]
i used to be able to convince myself that everyone would be happier without me, but then my therapist had to pull the guilt card and tell me that survivors of suicide go through hell (i’m paraphrasing, obviously). now i can’t stop thinking about that. i feel awful. i am so tired and i just want to die. it’s my life, right? i’m an adult? yet i cannot even make the choice to take my own life because it would upset my loved ones. i don’t want them to live with that kind of pain. but what about my pain right now? is it selfish […]
reasons to live:
boyfriend who loves me, supposedly
mother who loves me
dogs to pet
reasons to die:
sick in the head (gad, mdd, bpd, trich, ednos, etc.)
my brain twists good things into bad things anyway, so those reasons to live become reasons to die in the end.
my gpa went to shit, and i’m too sick and lazy to go back to school and succeed in any shape or form, which means i will never earn a degree or sustain a career that is higher than minimum wage (not that having a degree means anything anymore, since there are no jobs anyway). there’s nothing wrong with minimum wage jobs, but […]
my therapist told me about how much pain survivors of suicide go through, obviously to deter me from killing myself. but there is a selfish part of me that resents that notion. even though my insides hurt so much, even though the thing i want most is to die, i must keep on living for other people? i don’t want to live for others. i’m tired of living for others. it’s not a great way to tackle life, especially when those same people don’t understand how suicidal and sick i am. they just think i’m lazy. they disparage me and grow disappointed in me even […]
i want to cut up my entire body and watch the blood spill onto the floor.
how long before i push him away? when will his patience finally run out? when will he finally get sick and tired of my mental illnesses and relentless negativity and leave me?
please leave me. everyone, leave me alone. i need to be alone so i can die.
i’m so sorry i still exist.
it’s wild how afraid i became when i realized i truly have nothing to live for. in pushing away everyone i cared about, i have lost all of my reasons to extend my survival. i have no one. i am no one. i guess i kill myself. i hope i succeed. i’m afraid of what comes after death, but i will overcome this fear. nothing else is holding me back now.
the split wires spill from my brain and coil around my neck;
if i leap, will they strangle me?
if i leap, will i land or hang.
every day i come one step closer to the precipice.
i hate coming back to post here because it means i’m still not dead
i wish i was dead. i wish someone would kill me. i wish i could die in some freak accident. i’ve been so lazy lately.. i can’t even conjure the energy to try and kill myself. it’s really not very hard to implement my current suicide methods of choice. they don’t require much time or money to prepare. i could even go through with two out of three of them today. but i can’t even roll out of bed. i can’t even get up to eat food. i’m so tired. i’ve done nothing but cry the last 3 days. lay in bed and cry. ah…wasting […]
everyone’s sleeping. no one would be able to stop me. even if i do it wrong, what’s 5 more minutes of pain in this life. in the end, i’ll still be dead. i want to do it. i want to die. let me die.
i was home alone for the bulk of the day. i should have killed myself whilst i had the chance. i should have gotten it over with.
why am i still alive.
watch me try to kill myself and then fail again and cost my family another $10k in medical bills because our insurance is shit and the u.s. healthcare system fucking sucks
i don’t know what to write here. i just feel bad. angry, bitter, the works. nothing makes me happy these days. i’ve fallen back on a lot of old, terrible habits. i’ve gained more weight from binge eating. i’m stressed because the weather is getting warmer, but i have new scars littering my arm that prevent me from wearing short sleeves. my brother still hates me. my best friend doesn’t feel like a friend anymore. i majorly fucked up my gpa and my standing in school, which means my chances of transferring to another university, never mind a good one, have become incredibly slim. my […]
a lot of things are going wrong but i can’t blame anyone but myself for all that. it’s amazing how close to peace i feel when i contemplate killing myself. “why not do it today?” is a thought that crosses my mind almost daily, today being no exception. i should just do it. get it over with. stop thinking so hard about plans and letters and waiting for a day when everyone’s out of the house. i don’t care anymore. why waste any more time? i should just do it today.
my mom noticed the long scar on my arm when i rolled my sleeve up a little to wash my hands. god did i panic. i told her my friend’s cat scratched me ages ago and that it was my fault since i bothered it… i think she bought it but christ was i scared. i didn’t want another sobbing lecture about how selfish i am and how much i need jesus. (or worse, another expensive visit to the ER.)
hey does anyone here play fire emblem fates? it’s been good at keeping me distracted from suicidal ideation. i love a good […]
i turn 21 tomorrow and feel pretty terrible about it. i didn’t want to make it to 21. i wanted to be ashes by now. i told my family i don’t want a special meal or a cake or presents, but they’re nice people so they’re insisting. i think my brother feels bad for screaming at me and basically telling me i was worthless, a few weeks ago (the first time he’s ever treated me that way…can’t say i didn’t deserve it haha). he insists on at least picking up good food. why.
i wish i was dead. i have a list of […]
what choice do i have left but to kill myself