I feel like I’m going to implode if I don’t get this out somewhere. Here feels like the safest place. It’s gonna be kinda long, and a heads up for mentions of self harm and disordered eating, I guess.
Lately I’ve been preparing myself for what I’m calling my families own civil war. It’s been creeping up on us the past few years and this year is the year when everything is going to go to shit. My brother is likely being placed into foster care, my dad needs to move but everywhere is far too expensive, my grandma is dying and her medical bills are piling onto my dad – all while my aunt and uncle, who are very well off, pretend that nothing is wrong and that our family is perfect. Everyone has been fighting and it’s just been hell. Of course, since I don’t live with any of them, I shouldn’t be bearing all this guilt and anxiety. But I am, because that’s what I do. I know I can’t fix anything. I know that really, only my dad and brother really care about me. I just can’t help wish that we weren’t so dysfunctional and not inclined to treat each other like shit.
I guess this time of the year is always bad for me. I hate christmas. I hate new years. I hate feeling forced to be happy and buy gifts and love people who have hurt me so much. I wish I could kill myself right now, but I can’t. I have to wait. So instead I cut and starve myself. That’s been my method for years; for dealing with things. I don’t deserve food because I’m fat and I stress eat and cutting or picking my skin is better than eating and getting fatter.
God, I just wish my mom had gotten an abortion.