When I am feeling low and suicidal, I have an urge to watch violent videos. I do not watch those things when I am functioning normal. When I first realized this, I was afraid that I could do something like that, but I am not a criminal person at all. It is been a couple months that I started to think that may be I need to be violent. I want to suicide thinking my life is worthless, why anybody’s life worth more than mine? I could do anything to deal with this empty feeling of meaninglessness of life. Even if it is against the law. However, it passes away when I feel ok. I am a chill, funny guy. Sometimes I can not help to think may be I need to be a criminal to feel good. I did not talk about this to my doctor for obvious reasons. What do you think guys?
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What type of crime are you thinking?
you know, killing, stealing that kind of stuff. then I feel bad just thinking about it
Yes I do think of murder as well. Someone told me once “sometimes you have to make a choice. Kill yourself or watch yourself become the homicide.”
Sometimes I imagine going to a public place and shooting everyone.
If I ever get to live alone again I hope to get a gun and if a cop puts his nose in my business again, I’d like to kill a cop.
I have a very specific type of human that I hate. There’s a very specific type that makes me want to murder.
Stealing is child’s play. Unless you are talking robbing a bank. Have you seen catch me if you can I think of doing that and stealing money in large sums. I also think of printing fake money with a special printer that is possible. But then I think I don’t give a sh*t about money. Nothing is worth enough to steal. The only thing I might enjoy stealing is maybe a diamond from a jeweler, but why do that when you could just travel to a somewhere you can mine diamonds, silver, gold yourself.
So you feel that your life, self-perceived as worthless, gives you the ability or right to judge another’s as worthless? To deprive someone else of the freedom to live? Vigilante? Or just want to kill random people? Don’t feed on violence.
Talk to your doctor. It’s not a choice between being a victim or being a perpetrator. Choose to be a human being in the best sense. Why give yourself a different option? There’s only one life you have the right to take without consent.
Freedom to live, consent… What are those even supposed to mean? What is the basis of those? Why are they valuable? Is all life valuable at all? How do you describe and measure value? You can answer these if you believe in a religion (which is fairy tales) or if you think there is some sort of meaning in life. Then you can have a basis to step on and empathize or you can have a moral code. Those are all subjective. In the grand scheme of things, no ones life ever mattered and will matter. If the number of people that think life is valuable is higher, then they put laws to prevent it, but that does not mean it is valuable. Between all this, I get to choose whatever I want and live with the consequences in life, but I do not know why I am a peaceful person when I feel ok and why I enjoy and fantasize crime when I am feeling low.
Life matters to those who value it. Your conclusions are as subjective as any’s.
You may feel violent when you are low because it gives you an illusion of control, or because you have to go to extremes to feel something. Be brave and talk to your doctor. Don’t add more suffering to the world.