Today was hard. I’m full of fear and dispair. I woke up from a dream this morning about you. In the dream you talked to me. I think the reason I don’t talk to you is because I’m afraid to lose what little of you I have left. But I woke up and all day I felt fear. And my brain kept screaming at me to die. All day it formulated an exit plan. Skip work tomorrow it screams still. Go to the store. Buy your stuff. End it. Still I think about it. I’m old enough to buy one. I have the money that I set aside for my car. But the fear paralyzes me. What if I get fired? “You’ll be dead so what” what if I can’t do it and I’m fired? Fear. Paralysis. What if I’m a vegetable. Then I’m powerless. Left to the whims of others. Pittied. And worst of all alive. I don’t want you to follow me. I hope I’m right and you forgot I exist. I remember you used to be suicidal once upon a time. I turned you in, you lost your gun, your drink, your knifes. I betrayed you’re trust but i was thousands of miles away. I left remember? And you turned to me for help but I wasn’t there anymore. I just wanted to keep you alive.. and I struggle with that decision. It hurts me that I betrayed you. But if I die I hope you do not follow. I’m getting quite good at life. You taught me alot you know. I can control myself in public. My impulses, my rage. I’m good at my job. I might be leaving to Wyoming soon. My brother misses me and he thinks he can help me. I don’t tell him nearly close to everything. But he does help a little. I’m just scared of leaving again. I’ll be very far away again. And god knows I would drop everything and help you if you ever called. Skip work tomorrow and end it all? Should I tell you good bye? I’m sure someone will tell you eventually. I would want to know if it was you. I’m very tired now and need sleep. Work starts early. And I need to ponder my descision. I still don’t know if I want you to find my ramblings on here. Almost everything I need to say is on here now. Except one thing.. I love you. And.. I hate you. I hate the pain and the god damn dreams and I hate the past and what we did to each other. And I thank you for the memories. And lessons. And for making me smile. A real smile. I still have the picture. Us in the woods when you found your parents picnic basket and wanted to use it. That was a very peaceful day. The only peaceful memory I can actually recall. I really hope you have a good life. But if I find you in the afterlife.. I don’t know. Maybe we can have another picnic.
– yours, C