Empty

So it’s been a long time since I’ve been on this site. Last month, was the worst month I’ve ever been through. No, I didn’t self harm, because, i was way past that point. I was at the point where i felt certain pain and had emotional breakdowns often, but i felt genuinely empty now. Before, I often had reasons as to why I would feel particularly horrible one day, more so than before. But last month, I just was horribly in emotional pain for all 31 days. My grades dropped so much and the drive I had to succeed in school and life was taken away like it never existed. This month, I felt somewhat less depressed and more motivated to work… but that “new year” energy was quickly drained away. Now, I just feel empty. I don’t even know what emotions I feel, maybe none at all. The only thing on my mind is the sweet abyss of death. I’ve had no motivation for the future I’m convinced doesn’t even exist for me for the past month, these few weeks have been no difference. I just feel so cold, so empty, with no one to turn to. Stress and pain has piled on,, with my responsibilities and tasks growing by the minute, but I still refuse them. For a hot second, I thought of how unrealistic it was for me to kill myself, and that deep down I really couldn’t do it. Not because I was scared or thought I’d regret it, but just because maybe I’d have some hope that maybe I’d actually turn out to have the future I wanted. But who am I kidding. I’m just gonna waste more time thinking and dreaming of things I can never have and never experience. The life I want and the people I want in it will never exist. I sit in a small abyss of emptiness, with a life 1/7 billion, worth close to nothing. As I’m typing this, I feel no sadness, no happiness, no hope, no joy… Honest, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. There really is no purpose for this existence, hopefully there’s no afterlife or rebirth either. These years I’ve been alive, doing nothing meaningful at all, really are more than enough for me- I would NOT want to go through this again. My dreams of being somebody and loving somebody are simply ridiculous and unattainable, my hopes are so pathetic and my efforts are useless. Well, then again what effort have I been putting in when all I do is sit around waiting for things to be done themselves. It’s pathetic and I want to change but I somehow simply cannot. Maybe it’s a beacon that time’s up and my pitiful existence here is over and I can FINALLY be done. YOLO- thank god.