I don’t know anymore.

Hi, i’ve read your story and i think it’s not bad if i share my story with you too (as we’re the same age).
as for depression, it has been with me since 5/6 years ago. since then the most support i got was only two sessions with a psychiatrist(each sessions 40 minutes). i’ve tried no drugs or med (actually there wasn’t anything anybody got for me) since then and actually making music, mixing songs, watching series, caring friends were good med for me. there’s a group we have and it’s been 8 years since our friendship started. it’s me 3 other guys and my brother. others know that i’m depressed, but only one of my friends knows i’m suicidal(not anymore, nowadays i just have the feeling of it kept in me). not even my brother or family knows that. my family thinks that depression is just a usual feeling. that feeling that they get one or two days in a month.
since childhood i have had so many fights with my dad. he works really hard for us and tries to make us happy and i really appreciate and praise that but the bad memories he has made since childhood are unforgiving. just as you said:”easy to forgive, hard to forget”
he has mental problems but he doesn’t wants to accept. he himself has had bad-life since childhood, like selling ciggars or matchsticks in the streets since age 5, losing his only true brothers ,out of his 6 other siblings who don’t care for him, at the age 17. sometimes he says that: “since i opened my eyes i’ve been working”. he didn’t wanted to make a bad statue of himself in us but to be a good father but he couldn’t do it… when i say to him i’m depressed he smirks-_-.
my brother says that he loves me the most. but i’ve been ridiculed by him since i opened my eyes. everything in my childhood is anger of getting ridiculed. thousands of laughs at me. he says i don’t remember any, but i remember all of them and nothing else but them.
my mother is a caring mother but she has done bad things too. i remember once she called a clinic of babysitters to come and take me(actually i was hell:) ). i called back and canceled it.
my mother is physically ill. she has died 3 times in my hands until now because of her heart problem. everytime she was dead and cold for almost 5 minutes and i was alone with her in my arms. the first time i was 12. so yeah i have actually met death 3 times until now:).
among my family only me understands me.
i really sometimes wish if i could leave my family and country and start a new life.
but that is not really a nice thing to do.
i’ve seen the crying of them too. and i have imagined that how my friends would cry when i’m gone. if i die, my mom would die just right after me, my father would get heavily depressed and my brother tears apart. so yes the whole family would disappear. the family which my father and mother are trying everyday to make for almost 26 years.
nowadays my father has worked a lot on himself, my mother is good and my brother tries to stay in touch mostly, because i’m the only person who shares the most likely interests.
you said you’ve been considered as and are a very smart individual. i’ve been called stupid or dumb since childhood. but really am i?
smartness is what makes it hard for such person to connect with others. because you share other interest, your considerations are different and …
when you’re smart, you care for some things much more than others. emotions, attitudes, memories and ..
but smartness is the key to solve problems right?
you said: “I lock myself in my room and isolate myself from my family. I feel as if my family could care less about me because I’m always surrounded by negativity from them and almost never hear anything positive coming from them, it’s always point out what I do wrong instead of praising me for what I do good”
i don’t think you are smart.. you are a genius
well, i used to have such problem with my family too. i came to my mother and said to her that ” mother, i just made a new experiment in my room in optical physics that nobody has done”. then after she said: ” youre making me angry again…” what did i do wrong? :l
one day i studied for almost 12 hours. at the 10th hour my father came, i had my headphones on because the sound of the tv (screaming shi*ty series-_-), and i said to him that father i just studied for almost 10 hours(with a smile) and he looks at me and says: “with your headphones on all the time?”
:lllllll
so as you can see we better talk to them or people about things we share with them in common.
your family may not can change their attitude themselves but you can change them. the youth’s energy always beats the old’s tenacity.
try to start the change from yourself. and then take it to others little by little.
and remember that, that change is The Change of Enhancement and Improvement.
think of your talks or chats as Business chats :D, i’m not kidding. get to know what your family member’s interests are, educate yourself in those subjects, and try to talk to them again. try to ask their interests, let them know you care for them, so they would care for you much more.

you said:”I have issues with opening up with people. I struggle with telling others of how I truly feel because I believe that they truly wouldn’t care, is it wrong to believe that individuals only care for their self being?”
what if i ran into a stranger and tell them that i have planned to kill 30 people and i’m really depressed. would she/he think about me and try to communicate? No, he/she would probably run away as fast as a beam of light (yeah 3×10^8 m/s, you’re not the only smart person in here :)) hehe)
the answer is both yes and no. you better care for yourself and others. if you only care for others, you gain nothing. and we have the same story for people who only care for themselves.
caring must be done a way that it is efficient. you set a time for yourself, and another a time for others. for example:
i could set a time for myself to improve and get better. then after i would go for a talk with others, first of all they would get impressed that such a nice person is talking to them, then talk to them about the improvement and try to help them to do the improve themselves(if you don’t even want to, they would ask you). (who doesn’t want to get better?) they could do the same for themselves and others. this way much more efficient than other ways.
it’s like you’re the CEO of a company and people are the costumers.
it’s like “The Golden Rule, Reversed”
but you should be Careful, Cautious and Circumspect
if you see they are not showing that much interest even if you’re perfect, treat them like themselves but not in a way to ruin the conversation. everyone is useful and needed in different situations. try to stay friends with everyone.
i’m sure you had a dream of what kind of person you wanted to be in the future. and i’m sure you still have it there. yes gotcha! :)), now you’re just thinking about it.
please ask this question of yourself every once in a while:
“How would the person I’d like to be, do the things I’m about to do?”

please remember that life is just more than the 18 years you and i have lived until now

i wrote too much and my mom is killing me 😀 to get up from the pc. i hope i haven’t bored you and this is useful.
sorry if i talked judgmental or any other like ways. (man i can’t stand up, my feet hurt:l)