I don’t know anymore.

January 8th, 2018by foreverinevitable18

Hi I’m an 18 year old college student who is going through a lifetime of stress, depression, and anxiety. Depression has always been a factor in my life, for I have been depressed for six years now and find no way out. Although I am a very smart individual and have a great circle of friends who care for me, I have issues with opening up with people. I struggle with telling others of how I truly feel because I believe that they truly wouldn’t care, is it wrong to believe that individuals only care for their self being? I am constantly abusing drugs and running away from issues because of my depression and my lack of knowledge in expressing myself. Don’t get me wrong, I have tried to before with therapy in which I still found struggle in self expression due to the ideal that my therapist only wants to hear my problems because they’re receiving money from me. My family also plays a part in why I am the way I am, my mother being mentally ill with multiple sicknesses and my father being an ex-drug addict and use to beat me when he was doing all those things. I now live with my grandparents and father who has finally cleaned himself up. Although my father has changed his ways, I still find it hard to forgive him for the actions he did in the past, like they say it’s easy to forgive but hard to forget. My life at home makes me feel as if I am not home which I deal with by trying to stay out whenever I can and for as long as I can; even when I am at home, I lock myself in my room and isolate myself from my family. I feel as if my family could care less about me because I’m always surrounded by negativity from them and almost never hear anything positive coming from them, it’s always point out what I do wrong instead of praising me for what I do good. I honestly really want to end my life, I feel as if there is nothing else left for me. The only thing that really holds me back is my brothers, I don’t want them to have to face the agony of having a sibling die. Especially through suicide; maybe they will understand or maybe they won’t. I feel as if no one can relate to how I feel and that I’m living a lifestyle that is slowly tearing me apart and making me go insane. This week I’ve decided to take note on how i feel each day, and at the end of the week I will finally decide whether or not to commit suicide. Thank you for listening to my irrelevant story lol, it truly means a lot to me.

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