About 10 years ago I converted to Christianity and accepted Jesus Christ as my Messiah and God. From as long as I remember, I’ve been spiritual-seeking. Very inquisitive and curious about God and His mechanisms in this world around us/me.
10 years ago, and prior to that, I’d had taken great-great PRIDE in saying that I’m such a ‘strong’ Believer in God and that my Faith is UNshakable.
So much of all that proved so UNtrue.
Whether connected with my converting to Christianity or not, I don’t know; but my eyes were opened wide, after that, to how horrible, cruel and cold this world is– around us.
Yes, Ok… I will noT generalize. Not all and everyone in this world, around us, is evil or bad. Actually, most are just in the ‘middle’; not bad or good, not too cruel but not too-touchy-feely either…
but, the evil in this world, whatever it’s number/percentage, is so much MORE devastating and out-there and active, than the mostly preoccupied (with self and self matters), apathetic and ‘sleepy’ good there is, in this world.
Whatever percentage the evil and hopelessness in this world, it definitely seems so much more powerful, to me, than the good in this world.
Elaborate about what I mean? Well, keeping it short; since my naivete died and my eyes opened, I’ve realized how corrupt, senseless, hopeless, sadness-and-grief-filled (for most) is the existence of most who chose to follow what was good, or moral or just, in this world.
My sadness and grief and disappointments came to the point where I now understand that only the selfish, the UNempathic, the self-serving and the self occupied, the-ones-in-denial… –will really want to LIVE in this world, which surround us. Actually, such people would (and actually do) ‘fight’ to LIVE yet another day in this materialistic and hollow place.
Anyone who is ‘awake’ in his or her Heart, wouldn’t want to continue to exist in this world, in my opinion.
About 7 years ago, God gave me a mission; to feed and look after the stray cats in my area. I had never been an animal-person before that. Had nothing at-all to do with cats… –But, it was God who opened my Heart to their needs and to my mission, from Him (you don’t have to believe me, it doesn’t matter if you do or don’t).
I devoted my life since, to feed and look-after and take care of, the stray cats in my area… –Ever since doing that, my life got filled with grief, hurt (physical, mental), disappointment and Heartbreaks… –most chief among these is GRIEF. Because, it would seem; God took away the very-same cats to whom I’d grown emotionally attached to. One after the other. I would pray to God; “Please, you gave me this mission… I’m doing it because You called me to, and also because I’ve now grown so very emotionally attached to these cats… –please, help me in saving {this or that} cat… –please, God!!”…
–But, no. –No.
God wouldn’t hear me. Wouldn’t answer me. And, mostly, didn’t give me what I asked for; the cats whom I cared for so much, would die in terrible ways and I would stay behind; left with grief, sadness and tears; missing them, and tearing more and bigger holes in my Heart, continuously. At a point, I became almost afraid to care about the cats, or favor any of them, in ‘fear’ that God (or whoever is responsible for this, out there) would single them out for death, specifically and mainly, because I cared for them, or favored them (I Love them all, but like any parent who is honest, will tell you, there are ‘favorites’!!)…
Anyway, (I’m shortening this post, otherwise it’ll be too long), these past years I learnt that, frustratingly, God is (too many times) SILENT towards many people who are CRYING out to Him from the depths of their Hearts… and now, I was there, among such people who were NOT being answered by Him!! –Suffice to say; in my life, outside of the activity of looking after my cats, I’m a regular-nobody and quite the story of being UNsuccessful.
I can’t hold on to jobs (I get bored, and develop phobias and ultra-sensitivities, the longer the everyday work-life routine continues),
I’m (really) too old, to STILL be living with my father (my Beloved Mother passed away 4 months ago),
and I know that because of that, I’m the ‘laughing-stock’ of my family and ‘friends’ (but, behind my back)…
Can’t retain longing relationships with women. I’d been in 2 relationships which crashed and burned. All males in my family are married and with children, while I’m still single (though, I do care about my cats as if they were my children… –may the mockers mock… –and, I’ll wholeheartedly confess, that no ‘human’ child will replace my Love or care towards my cats, ever.)
In short; a failure, by most (if not all) standards.
My Mother was the ONLY person around me, who understood or cared about me. She was not with me 100% in my pursuit to take care of the stray cats (because, that had led me to very many fights and altercations with selfish neighbors who can NOT see someone helping stray cats…)– but, still, she cared about me chiefly, so she accepted this ‘craziness’ of mine… —
and, then, 4 months ago, God took her away from me too.
It’s as if, He just keeps on piling Heartaches on me… –and if and when He sees me ‘handling’ it somehow, He will go on a add another devastating Heartache on me… –“…What about a break in tormenting me, God?!”
I’d thought about suicide way before my Mother passed.
For several years now.
I’d often planned but didn’t follow on my plans… before.
But every day I still breathe, I ask; why God is like this?
Why does He not answer me when I need Him the most?
Throughout human History, I’ve researched and seen/read so many examples where we the ‘created’ call upon our Creator for His help, His care, His rescuing… –and, He is silent.
Silent. Silent. Silent…
Oh, that ANNOYING silence!!
Why did you call me, God, to care about these cats… –if ALL you ever do is hurtle difficulties on me, in taking care and saving them?! Why?! –Why the silence when you need to be heard the most?! When it’s most crucial?!
Was I not depressed enough, broken and devastated enough, that you had to take my Mother from me too?! –Wasn’t I enough, ‘on the brink’ of despair and Heartache, even before that?!
(Graphic details ahead… caution)
Then, about a month ago, I saw a heart-tearing video on Facebook, shared by someone who is against the industries of fur… –which showed men from China somewhere, skinning a racoon-dog… –while the poor animal was STILL ALIVE…!! –the poor racoon-dog baby (don’t know whether it was male or female… but it was small looking), was drenched in it’s own blood, eyes wide in shock and terror and pain, and screaming it’s Heart out to the Chinese maniac and sadistic men ,who were skinning it’s skin off with knives!!
This HAPPENED, in this fucking, ugly, miserable and cruel world we are stuck here in!! To that racoon-dog-baby and to other countless animals– this HAPPENS and HAPPENED!!
I saw that video… –and that was it.
Where was God?! –What was MORE important to Him than coming to the aid or rescue of that poor animal, He Himself created (for what purpose?! For that poor baby to fall into the sadistic hands of demons in human form?!)??!
My crisis of Faith is severe.
I don’t want to believe in a God who doesn’t answer when and where he’s needed the most, anymore.
Where innocents are treated like so… –and in so many such instances, throughout our UGLY and cruel ‘human’ History (where innocents CRY OUT to God, only to be answered in silence)– what is God doing that is ‘more important’ to Him than answering their cries for his much needed and urgent help?!
I don’t know, if I’ll have the guts to follow my plans through,
but I YEARN to stand before Him, before God,
and to ask Him… –if He truly Loved me or hated me (for what he’s put me through in this world), and so many others whose Hearts have broken, calling out and crying out to Him in their most dire situations… –and, why?
Why that deafening silence?!
—What kind of Love or care, of Yours (God), is that?!
I’m all over the place, in this post… I guess I know.
I can’t help it.
I don’t care.
I’m writing from the very deep hurt in my Heart.
In God’s word, I read that “God is NOT an author of confusion…”…
but, all I am, is confused. I’m confused about God… and that not what your word says You should be, God.
You should NOT be ‘confusing’ to your own poor creations, especially, when they cry out to You, from the very devastating pains, from their aching Hearts.
Only Confusion, is all I’ve got.
And, I’m fed up with it, already.
4 comments
You will never in your life find yourself facing more unanswered questions, facing previously unknown doubts, and staring confusion directly in its eyes as you will when you decide to become acquainted with “god.”
After a lot of years trying to figure him out, I’ve realized I can make him out to be anything I want, because every teaching, every discipline that attempts to explain “god” is only guessing.
“God” is all you see. The good, the bad, life.
Enough god talk. It’s so futile.
As for the cats, first off, thank you. Cats are wonderful animals, and thanks for helping them.
They will be taken from you, and it will hurt. I used to work in a shelter, I understand what you feel. You get to know them, then they’re gone. There is no avoiding that, but if you can focus on the good you are doing for the ones that remain and the ones that will take their places, you’ll see the good you’re doing. Just think about it – for every meal you set out, you’re making life that much easier for a hungry, living being.
Yeah. You rock. Thank you for helping the cats.
As an adult, WHY would you base your life on blind belief? I seriously don’t get it. I feel similarly about people who base their life on an ideology, e.g. feminism, or just on various speculative traditions.
Life is too important for that. You should base it on the best available knowledge of the past, and the most qualified available guesses about the future.
I have no beef with people being inspired by fiction or religion or ideology, but when you start to subscribe to it as reality – then you’re f***ed. It will fail you.
Even science is only our current best explanation of the world. It’s always getting updated and revised as we learn more.
I mean, I sort of understand it, because I used to do it myself, and sometimes I feel like there is more wisdom in fiction than in cold, hard science. Maybe it is a balance. Anyway, I didn’t mean to come off as if I was ridiculing you.
I have contemplated your questions myself for decades about why God permits so much human freedom of choice to do evil. With that power of choice people harm one another and animals beyond anything I can fully comprehend. I am still trying to recover from the cruelty done to me by a certain human. I guess I would have to be God to know why God allows humans evil powers. I accept that I cannot explain the freedom given to humans to practice unthinkable cruelty. If someone decides there is no God because of what is allowed to be done on this rotten planet that too is a choice they are free to make.