I’m reading through postings and its strikes me that many people simply cannot, or will not, accept the idea that you can be sound of mind and body yet still wish for euthanasia.
I beg to differ.
On the surface I’m not your typical suicide- employed at a place where I’m well liked, friends, house, income. Not suffering any mental/physical illness, nor even depressed in the classical sense.
Since my Mother died I have felt less and less reason to be here. I never felt attached to this world at the best of times but now I find it increasingly repellant.
I have never liked being here- and 4 decades of it is tiring.
I made a determined bid just over a year ago with N. And obviously I survived.
I was so wrecked physically and mentally that I was frankly afraid to try again since my first method was supposedly infallible.
But I always felt cheated- its hard to describe the peaceful bliss I slipped into when I took the mixture..and the ICU nightmare I woke up to.
I fully recovered, despite what I was told would be life impairing injuries, and having lost 2 stone in as many weeks and hitting the gym I’ve been told I look better than ever. Women have actually shown more interest in me, which is ironic given that now I no longer care.
I was asked to be Best Man for my best friend this summer, and as I knew I wouldnt be there I told him why- and he told everyone.
So you can imagine my friends have been great but it does feel like emotional blackmail.
So I spent 6 months seeing psychiatrists, crisis teams, counsellors and GPs, all of whom agreed that despite everything I wasnt mentally ill in any way or even depressed in the usual sense.
I attended two sessions at a specialist unit for pre-assessment; one an hour, one ninety minutes.
They agreed I couldnt be treated as I wasnt in any way ill.
If anything I was being very rational about being irrational (their words).
I take setraline but if anything it helps me focus on my plan more.
So now while I have the means at home, which is very liberating and soothing, I am acquiring the latest EXIT DDMP method which seems ideal.
I guess I write this because I belong to a small sub-group that people cant seem to grasp.
The people who simply dont want to be here, and hope for nothing but oblivion after.
I dont want second chances, learning experiences, fluffy clouds- I’m literally asking for nothing, which isnt much to ask for.
I describe it as being at a party you dont enjoy- foods fine, drinks available, people are OK, but you really just dont want to be there.
With me, its like I called a Taxi to take me away and it ended up dropping right back at the same doorstep I left from.
12 comments
“They agreed I couldnt be treated as I wasnt in any way ill.
If anything I was being very rational about being irrational (their words)”
I can relate to this. I have sat in doctors/psychiatrists offices and delivered my “story” in what I consider to be a professional, concise manner out of respect for the fact that these professionals can only help you if you clearly and sufficiently detail your issues, with the response in many cases being something like ” Well, you might be experiencing a mild form of insignificant transient depression, it’s ok, we all do at times, here’s some pills, see you next month.”
This has left me with the feeling that I’m being invalidated due to the fact that I appear ok to them.
I can be strong. No, I am strong. I’ve endured some shit, and just. . . keep going. That strength is waning rapidly for reasons that I now believe are insignificant, as the system has indicated to me.
I just keep it inside anymore. It’ll either kill me, or I’ll die of old age. Seeking help is pointless for me, I’ll only be invalidated, when as a big, physically imposing man I walk into a professionals office and explain I have mommy issues and can’t connect to humanity. The attitudes I’ve dealt with over the years all seem to manifest as ” just grow up and get over it, here’s some pills, see you in a month.”
It is frustrating to have these issues, and yet remain overlooked, but the system is run by humans who make judgments initially, diagnoses second, and finally, courses of treatment. But the kicker is the judgment. Apparently, if you want help, you must APPEAR to need help. Being able to keep it together as you move through the mental health system is not an advantage. Appearances can be deceiving. I often chuckle that if I’m discovered with the top of my skull missing and my brain splattered on the wall behind me, the first thing those who knew me will say is “Wow, he SEEMED ok. I wonder what happened?”
I really appreciate your reply- so many documentaries and shows show suicide as a choice made from illness.
What if it’s really from a position of choice and strength?
It IS from a position of choice and strength. A choice that the world thinks we shouldn’t have, need, or want, and strength – well, that goes without saying. You can be strong and endure a lifetime of “this”, or you can make the most difficult choice ever. Strength is subjective. We will never be allowed to believe we are making the correct choice, since the rest of the world believe the only option.is suffering. I don’t know. It’s like being alive is written into our genetic code or something. 😉
What the hell is “N”?
I completely agree. What harm could possibly come to humanity if people who don’t want to be here go away? It should be their choice. My choice. You give living a shot. Don’t like it. That’s okay. As a rational adult. Wouldn’t bother me if half the adults on the planet offed themselves. But I worry about the young ones. Victims. The abused. The gay teenager who is relentlessly bullied. The young girl who knows she was an unwanted pregnancy and lives with her grandmother. We must make sure they understand the difference. Our freedom to choose to exit comes with a great responsibility.
I Agree.
There should be many safeguards but S a rational adult it should be my choice.
I would even happily allow them to harvest my organs after in return for a simple injection.
Win-Win.
N is “n e m b u t a l,” which, when spelled without spaces, results in a censored comment.
Thank you for that clarification.
I thought maybe it was ******** gas.
Oh look at that, the element with the symbol N is a banned word.
More stupid shit in this world to throw on the pile of shit that annoys me.
Can’t use the n-word mate. It’s rude.
if i had your life i would never kill myself but the right of one person to choose his end is the ultimate right, its awful how society criminalize suicide.
i wish you could see life with more colors because i’d exchange your life from mine anytime
I would say it’s the fundamental ‘right’ all others spring from.
And, Trust Me, you really wouldn’t want my Life.
I think a major reason they accepted my outlook was surprise that I’d accepted so much wrong for so long.