What the hell is love anyway? You know, the consenting adult connection thing. Where the hell does that emotion come from? How can it be so strong, so powerful, that it takes over your intelligent thinking, your logical thinking?
I wish there was an elixir, a pill, a patch, any damn thing to protect you from that emotion.
Sure it’s great at first. You feel like you’re walking on a cloud, you can hear every bird sing, you can hear the leaves rustle from soft breezes in the trees. Everything smells good, tastes good, feels good. You sleep like a baby at night to the lullaby of a thousand heavenly angels, wrapped up in the arms of your beloved.
But God help you when that love gets yanked away. Then you are walking on hot burning embers, you hear nothing but the silence of the night. And forget about sleeping. There is no sleep. You lie there in the dark with memories flooding in your brain, feeling emptiness in your heart , so hollow, so cold.
Been through it so many times, the loss of love. Having to hear someone who you have wrapped your heart around say to you, I don’t love you anymore.
I have died a thousand deaths tonight. One worse than the next. I really wish I didn’t have to face the morning sun. I wish I did not have to walk into work and have to go through the motions of a normal person. A happy person. The person who has love in their life.
I am tired of giving my heart and my soul just to have it thrown back at me crumpled, torn, destroyed.
I have been so strong to not act on my pain. But I’m starting not to feel so strong anymore. All of my friends have died. Almost my entire family has died. I have very little support system left. I’m starting to feel like I am taking up valuable space on this Earth.
You would think since I’ve been through this before it would be easier to take. But it isn’t. Each time gets harder than the next.
I have been thinking of a plan, something that is realistic, something that I would go through with. But believe it or not I’m still at the point where I pray for someone to stop me. But I just know as I take every step in my plan, the closer I get, the least likely that will be, that is, for someone to stop me.
Oh well it seems there are a lot of Kindred Spirits on this site. I would tell anyone else don’t do it. But it’s hard to tell yourself those same words when you are aching so bad inside.
My hope is that during one of my steps to end this life, someone gives me a reason, someone says the words to make me hang on.
But it is getting difficult to just hang in there anymore . . .
7 comments
I don’t know how love feels but I want it.
I feel you. The last relationship I was in ended about two years ago and I am mostly recovered but I still facebook stalk him and his new girlfriend (whom he managed to commit to almost immediately , while he couldn’t commit to me after over a year). But that last breakup just GUTTED me. My solution is to just avoid them. I can’t go through another heartbreak, or the up and down, push and pull of it all. Life is so much easier without it. (Not to say life is easy…obviously it isn’t or I wouldn’t be here, but I am thankful that at least all the stuff I’m dealing with isn’t complicated by heartbreak, so I REALLY feel for you.)
And yes, I will tell you what it is so hard to tell myself (funny how that works): hold on. This too shall pass. It will be hell while you are passing through it. But it WILL pass.
The only hope I can offer is the story of a friend of mine who was wildly popular with men, but seemed to only want the ones who didn’t want her. She had a DECADE of torrential affairs, all of which ended in heartbreak. Then, all of a sudden, she found the perfect guy, and she’s been with him for six years and they are stable and happy. Point being: she got to the point where she wondered if she would ever have a relationship that wouldn’t end in horrible heartbreak. If she had killed herself at that point, then she never would have gotten to the happy, stable relationship.
What if there is a new suitor around the corner? Or even a really good friend who is going to change how you feel, or even just make you laugh a little bit more? If you off yourself today, then you will never meet that person.
No one can guarantee that things will get better if you stay alive, but if you kill yourself, that is a guarantee that they won’t get better.
One thing that helped me once was a story a friend of mine told. She was working in a department where there were imminent lay-offs. One employee was so distraught at the prospect of losing his job. All of the other employees either avoided the lay off, or found a new job relatively quickly…everyone, of course, save and except the guy who offed himself…since it’s pretty hard to get a job if you are dead…
I also watched a documentary about suicide once, and they interviewed the family and friends of the deceased. There was this one guy who was living with friends of his at the time and looking desperately for work. The day he died there was a message on the machine with a job offer. (They couldn’t confirm whether he’d heard the message before he’d left the house or not…but if he didn’t, and if he killed himself in large part over the constant employment rejection, that would be really unfortunate….)
I hope that doesn’t sound overly preachy. I do know how hard it is to find hope. I feel in a similar position with my career (I’ve given up on the relationships). I feel like one of those little badgers in that arcade game where the badgers come out of the hole and you have to hit them with a mallet as soon as they get out. I feel like one of those badgers: every time I come out of my hole I just get hit in the head with the mallet again. But…I guess I’m still here because there is a chance, however vague, that next time the mallet will miss me…
*Re read that and I missed something: re the story of the lay offs….I missed a sentence. Supposed to say that there was this one guy who was so distressed at the prospect of losing his job that he killed himself. (That’s kind of a crucial point of the story). Sorry about that. I’ve been up all night and not thinking all that clearly.
Thank you for your comment. It did make me laugh about the badgers and the mallet. Myself, I feel like I live every day in an episode of “The Office” and my manager though is Schrute. I will try living without a significant other. I get so lonely though because at the end of the day, well, friends do go home. Thanks again for your comments, they did help a lot.
Ive had 2 loves in my life. They both have a piece of my heart n ill always feel like somethin is missing because of it. Sure u fell off the horse. But u gotta get back on it. Fight for what you love. But if its too late, by all means let that heart heal. Youre human. Only sociopaths can turn off those kinds of feelings. I hope youre feelin alil better with each day :’)
love is terrifying. for the exact reasons you listed: while it’s great at first, the pain of losing someone you love is overwhelming and life-changing. and not only does it hurt, it makes you afraid. afraid to love again because you know you’ll lose again. I am still aching on a daily basis after losing the love of my life almost two years ago, and I very much don’t see a point in even trying to move on (partially because the idea of moving on makes me feel incredibly guilty) but also because I wouldn’t be able to bear that kind of pain all over again.
People continuously tell me that I’ll get better in time. that he wouldn’t want me wallowing in my pain for so long. that he wants me to be happy. one time someone even told me that I’m being dramatic and that I “just need to get over it.” I don’t agree with any of it (of course, he would want me to be happy, but I don’t agree with the idea of being with someone else- again, super guilty) but like you, and many others here, if I were talking to someone in this kind of pain…I would say all of those things that are said to me. I want to tell you that you WILL feel better, you WILL love again, and be loved in returned. I want to tell you that, while this whole idea of loving/losing is absolutely terrifying, it’s worth it. It’s worth it to have even small moments in the end to look back on, rather than only loneliness and pain.
I am so sorry for the loss you have had in this life. I would also like to add that, “The Office” is my favorite show of all time, and I would love to work with Dwight! I think he’s the funniest character on that show (next to Michael Scott, of course.)
“love is terrifying” Over half of US adults are not married either.