So idk this always happens to me where I just hate how I’m acting, portraying myself to others. I’m always thinking about well I’ve gotta do this so they don’t think I’m not paying attention to them, I’ve always gotta smile so I seem polite. I just want a break though. I don’t wanna fucking talk to anyone, I don’t wanna have to change how I am because I don’t wanna upset others around me. But I hate doing it and it bothers me so much because if i were to stop being “fake” I guess that means I’ll make the “friends” upset but I just wanna say to them grow the fuck up but I feel like it’s me who has to grow the fuck up. I feel like I have to learn how to start being me but anxiety stops me I’ve always gotta please others around me and it just makes me hate myself like i’ve went along with the whole nice act like yeah I don’t mind but then again I don’t have it in me to stop when I have to..
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Sounds similar to me.
Everyone wants me to be myself, but when I do it seems isolating.
Then, I feel, like if they want to control things in my life, then they should just control everything.
Their suggestions of what I should do seems more manipulative than helpful.
Then there is what society says I should do.
But now I am so tired of denying myself, I am learning to be confident in myself (Not my natural inclination). I am learning to love myself (also not my natural inclination).
Because I am tired of holding back the person that is me.