Whew… I made some difficult process recently..
Sigh.. I hate to admit this but I have been sort of stalking my ex-best friend for awhile. I am not proud of it. I recently completely stops. I don’t check on her for about a week now. It is nice…it feel less weight on me. I used to check on her social media few time everyday while I am process to heal myself at same time. Stupid idea. It slow me down. I told myself that I am just worry about her well being. But it is not really 100% true. I was hoping I would see any hint of her wonder about me or even miss me. But I didn’t see any but see her actually become happy and enjoy her life… I was bitter a little about it last few weeks. Because I want that as well… I did message her small hello after a really bad day and get blocked. I was hurt by it and reacted. Then I saw that I am depend on her for happiness still even though we don’t speak anymore. How sad is that? That is really pathetic of me for do that.
So, since I stopped. I noticed I start to live my life more for myself, not to live my life to prove anyone else that I am becoming better and hope to have her back in my life… I am done play with that idea of hoping to have her again.
I admit, part of me curious at what she doing and still have angry toward to her for abandoning me but… eh.
I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. It pulls me down for awhile now. Make me feel more shitty about myself if I do…
So, now I feel more and more happier. Sure, there are some days I am scared I will repeat same mistake, but it is just my anxiety try keep me stay in my comfort zone. That is why I made pretty bold move with my personal decision recently. And…I am pretty proud of myself… I am glad I did it. Hopefully, that will lead me to new friends, new experience, and new lifestyle even. Soon, all my mental chains that hold me down will crumbles… Then I will be free to be truly me without any fear or worry.
If the fate or university allow it, we might meet again but I know I will be different person by then. I know she will make great things out of life even if I am not there part of it… So will I, too… I will make great thing in my life on my own alone as well.
2 comments
This is actually a great post.
Sometimes it is hard to let someone go. But focusing on you is the best thing you can do for your wellbeing, and you’ve already had improvement from it.
Hopefully you’ll be even more ok as time passes.
Thank you…