I’m at the cusp of yes and no.
The attachments I have have dwindled to but a few and they are outweighed by the cons of remaining.
I’ve been floating and dropping into one rut after the other and if by some miracle they do stop, I see nothing ahead but a cliff edge. I can only stand there or fall off it. So why bother? Why not just leave now? It would save so much trouble.
I suppose the fear of failing to die is what is stopping me. Having failed before I’m aware that it would just bury me in more crap than I already am and I’m sure as hell not going to another crazy house. But the thought is still tempting, one of those high risk-high reward things.
Maybe I’m missing something. What is it that stops you? Because I’m a coin toss away from a decision.
4 comments
I stop because for the last 8 years I have held to the thread of hope that I can escape this situation (plan to run away and never return) and leave. Now I try to do this sensibly like, I am an adult and I can make my decisions on where I live.. but every time I am taken hostage so I hear you on the only thing ahead of you is a cliff edge. I have held onto this thread so tightly but now I can see, like you, that the thread is too thin and there is actually no hope to hang onto. So I was going to overdose a few days ago but I still try to hold onto that thread. I reason with myself “if I can only pay off my debt (because I have a small paying gig) then I can leave” But then I think my hope is no longer worth it, now it is just like being in a straight jacket you think you will get taken off or that you can take off but even when you leave the straight jacket will still be on you, the hawk has sunk his talons into your skin and he won’t let go. And that is leaving me to my only option my plan B which is to lay down my life.
I, too, don’t like leaving loose ends. I also owe money and is one of the very few loose ends I have left. Your hawk analogy is very accurate, I was told a very similar one by one of the few attachments I have.
“Like a dog that’s bitten in and just won’t let go”
My thread used to be a thick rope but has been hacked into its sorry state it is today.
I also have a backup and there are times when I think
“So has it really come to this, then?”
But having it does give me a small peace of mind.
I keep it in mind because I know I will be overjoyed and relieved if I do it and that is what I hope I do it for. The joy that will follow. Somehow I feel maximum happiness is only reached through life ending. I don’t know how to explain it much. That’s why I fight so hard for pro-suicide.
Then the weaker sadder part of me wants to do it because I feel fragile like I might break. And if I’m going to break I may as well break myself before the world can. I mean like, I don’t want to get sick. I don’t want to get scolded for not ever having a career, family or kids. I don’t want to live in a community where all the strange creatures are having “careers” families and kids… but it’s all constructed as a society and it’s a society I do not believe in! so literally it doesn’t mean a thing to me.
I feel all the happiness I ever had is going to slip away. And I’ve had only little.
My sentiments exactly. Everything around us is “system this” and “protocol that” like we’re run by computers. It’s all bs but I just don’t have the energy to get angry anymore.
So I pulled a Two-face and did the coin toss. As you see, it said no, which is why I’m still here posting away. I’m neither happy nor sad about it, just in the same position, feeling all torn up. Maybe the scales will eventually get tipped one way or the other. Maybe…