I need to get out of here.
I can’t live here anymore. I’m here, but when I was last here I was just a ghost. Now I’m a real person again, but I can feel her presence, existing in my peripheral, tugging at me, lapping at me like a tide. I can’t be alive here at the same time that my ghost lingers.
I was away for months and it felt so good. I was like a phoenix reborn, but better. i was a vivacious and inspiring and unstoppable woman. I was so smart for the first time in years. my head was clear and I pulverized obstacles in my path.
now I have to be back here. for the last few weeks I’ve had anxiety attacks and I’ve been crying, but I’m slowly settling into the immobilized emotionless girl who doesn’t even know if she exists. everything is gray and distant. time is just an abstract concept. I guess it’s a survival mechanism.
I’ve been hearing his name everywhere. I’ve heard again about he told everyone I was hysterical, over-dramatic, etc. ouch, but whatever. I’ve also heard that he spent a long time complaining about how awful women are, and how much he hates women… i am sure he meant one in specific, but it’s terrifying to know he’s saying that about everyone. god, what if he does something to someone else. what if he does more to me? i’m so scared of him and even his memory makes me tremble and cry. i shouldn’t be surprised that he hates women, considering his actions when we were dating. but he was never upfront about it. he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong, and for the longest time I didn’t think so, either. i don’t know.
i just have to leave here. i started skipping classes and blowing off assignments again and i don’t even care
gotta get out of this place. it’s killing me