I need to get out of here.
I can’t live here anymore. I’m here, but when I was last here I was just a ghost. Now I’m a real person again, but I can feel her presence, existing in my peripheral, tugging at me, lapping at me like a tide. I can’t be alive here at the same time that my ghost lingers.
I was away for months and it felt so good. I was like a phoenix reborn, but better. i was a vivacious and inspiring and unstoppable woman. I was so smart for the first time in years. my head was clear and I pulverized obstacles in my path.
now I have to be back here. for the last few weeks I’ve had anxiety attacks and I’ve been crying, but I’m slowly settling into the immobilized emotionless girl who doesn’t even know if she exists. everything is gray and distant. time is just an abstract concept. I guess it’s a survival mechanism.
I’ve been hearing his name everywhere. I’ve heard again about he told everyone I was hysterical, over-dramatic, etc. ouch, but whatever. I’ve also heard that he spent a long time complaining about how awful women are, and how much he hates women… i am sure he meant one in specific, but it’s terrifying to know he’s saying that about everyone. god, what if he does something to someone else. what if he does more to me? i’m so scared of him and even his memory makes me tremble and cry. i shouldn’t be surprised that he hates women, considering his actions when we were dating. but he was never upfront about it. he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong, and for the longest time I didn’t think so, either. i don’t know.
i just have to leave here. i started skipping classes and blowing off assignments again and i don’t even care
gotta get out of this place. it’s killing me
5 comments
You’re not alone vieve,many of us in this site feel the same way.I know how it is to feel imprisoned and hopeless.If you’re feeling better when you’re away,maybe you should move to another place.Or plan fast trips to other places,go somewhere else for the weekends and get yourself back together again.
Also,this guy sounds to me like an asshole,especially if he says that he hates women.But you were on a relationship before,you can be in one again.You can find another guy who understands you,or at least tries to understand and cares for you.And don’t be afraid of this asshole.We have a saying here in my country: ”Don’t be afraid of the dog that barks all the time”.It may sounds difficult,but just ignore him.
Hi Taf, thanks for your response!
Yeah, I actually started dating someone when I was in Europe (back in the states now unfortunately). I’m hanging onto the light at the end of the tunnel when. I can move back there, which is only in like 6 months, but God that feels so far away sometimes.
Thanks, weekend trips are a great idea! Weekends here are when I feel the most lost and hopeless because I’m missing that structure of classes. It’s so nice to just get away sometimes.
May I ask in which country you were in Europe?You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.
Yeah, I was in Denmark, great country. But I visited some other places around Europe too, loved them all 🙂
Europe has many great places.From the green fields in England,Belgium and France,to the Italian Alps and the Romanian mountains.And Denmark is such a beautiful place…You know,I always liked North Europe…Denmark,Sweden,Norway…Very nice places.So many great vistas to see and so many places to go.And if you have someone to share your experiences,it’s even greater.So,yes,if you can come back to Europe,just be patient.Find something that pleases you in the States and wait until you come back.Don’t feel bad.Best wishes.