I don’t understand myself

I relate to this a lot it’s kinda crazy. Since I was a young kid I would daydream a ton, to the point where it felt like an addiction. I could never really make friends. So in my imagination I created a different self who had lots of friends. As I got older I became more and more disconnected from reality, I felt this detachment from my outer/real self, and a deep attachment to my inner/fantasy self. I was so confused about who I was. I also did crazy, weird stuff for attention that made me hate myself. I kept thinking – I’m supposed to be the mature, shy one, how could I have done such ridiculous and damaging attention seeking things? When you think about it, one of the most basic needs for a human being is attention. If a baby doesn’t get enough social intimacy it will literally die, even if all its other needs are met. We are hard wired for attention. And if we get very little as children, then we WILL act out when we are older in some way in order to fill the subconscious void within us. We want to be seen. Even if we have no idea who we are, even if we do bad things to attract negative attention, the mind sees any attention as better than none. I feel you, I really do. I’ve done a lot of stupid, impulsive things for attention. But I know why now and I’m forgiving myself. Attention seeking is a cry for help, a cry to be seen. You are NOT a horrible person, no matter what you did. It honestly makes sense given your past of feeling left out, lonely, and disconnected from others. And I’m sorry you feel that way, feeling lonely and like an outsider is such a shitty feeling. But those people have the potential to become the most compassionate, inclusive, and creative people 😛 Hang in there love <3