This is a message for you. You will never read it, but I wrote it for you.
Three years ago, before I knew you, I was convinced that the only way of affection that I could find, that I deserved, was in the casual and fast sex with people I didn’t even know, some were good people, some were not. They gave all I needed, an instant, a moment, and that was all. After that I started to feel empty again, wondering if I would never feel something more than a temporal desire and lust for someone. “Will I never love someone? No, you can’t even feel love for yourself. You don’t deserve love or anything else”.
Three years ago the only thing I had sure in my mind was that I was going to suicide the day of my 30th birthday, later that year.
But then I knew you.
When I arrived to your land, convinced that for one time in my life I could something good by myself, you were there, in the lab I was going to work. At first sight I saw something special in you. It was not your appearance (let’s face it, you’re not so much handsome), I guess I saw a smart and nice person and I thought you could be a good guy to befriend with.
As the time passed, I found new and amazing things about you, your philosophy, your kindness, your loyalty, your intelligence, your skills in many things and the many things that we both liked. And I knew some of the bad things about you, the hard way you had to walk to become a confident person, the mistakes you had made, the cruel and selfish you can be sometimes, but that made the good times with you even more valuable. You eventually became someone very important to me.
Do you know why? Because I saw in you the person, the man I always wanted to be, but my depression and isolation and fear never let me be.
And when I realized, I was in love with you. I did, although I knew so well you were straight (like I’m supposed to be too).
But then my world began to fall apart. Once again I saw that everything I do is nothing but shit, I failed in my project like I always do, and that made me feel that my life was useless. And this new feeling of love and the no-possibility of be with the person I loved only made this feel worse. I began to drink so much and take drugs in order to escape of reality and numb my senses, and eventually die.
And you were there to listen to me, to tell me that I was not alone, that I could trust you. So I became emotionally dependent, I wanted to be with you as long as I could, as a friend at least. I became a burden in your life, and made you worry and suffer many times with my self-destructive and dependent attitude. You literally saved my life many times with your messages. I hope you can forgive me some day for that.
Until the day I could not take it anymore and like always, I begged you for some help. You suggested me to go to the psychiatric hospital, that would be our secret. So I did, and when I was interned there they called you, and you told them you were no capable to take care of me, so you called our boss, who was the closest to a relative near to the place. Having him taking care of me in that horrible situation and waiting for me when they released me from there was by far the most humiliating moment of my life. And I blamed you for all that. But I know it was not your fault, you were scared, and were just two guys who worked in the same lab, I was not your responsibility, I was not so important to you and you could not see me in the way I saw you. So I forgave you. In the end it was my fault and only mine.
After that our relationship became some closer and my dependence was stronger. This feeling and my continuous failure in my project made the things worse and worse, but I could face all that because I could see you and spend time with you one more day, i could hear you and help you or only be there, one more day.
With time the situation with the boss became unbearable, and he forced me to choose between staying in a useless project or leave and go back to my home. The only thing in my mind was being with you as long as possible, but I chose to go, although I knew I could not see you anymore. That was three years ago, and there has no passed one day in that I would not think about you and want to be with you.
We still chat sometimes, but it’s not the same, there are things that only the real presence of someone can do, and many times you don’t answer to me. You told me once that once you finish a stage of your life, you let behind the people who were part of it, you did with your ex-girlfriends, obviously did it with me too. I can’t blame you, that is your nature, that is what makes you you.
There are good memories: the times you motivated me to play basketball despite my total lack of skills and the fact that your friends laughed at me when saw me play, the dinners, the walks, the talks. These are things that I will always keep in my heart.
Thank you for the advice. Thank you for believe, thank you for try, thank you for showing me that I can be (almost) honest with my feelings.
There are many things that were not said. First, I’m sorry. For being such an asshole so many times, a burden and a bother. For the times I ruined your day. For the many times I disappointed you. For the time I abused your trust in me. Especially the times when I touched you inappropriately while you were sleeping or when I spied you while you were taking a shower. I should not have done that, but that is the kind of person I am. I guess I must apologize with my ex-girlfriend too, I kinda played with her feelings, really tried to love her, but you were the only thing in my mind and my heart. Maybe that will be in other letter.
I hope I can see you some day, when you get married and I’m your best man, like I promised, and you get drunk together with me, like you promised, and talk like in that times. But deep inside I know that will never happen.
I’ve come back to the only lifestyle that I know. Searching for the next guy to eventually sleep/have sex with to be and feel alone in the end. I guess this the only thing I deserve and the punishment for all my sins. But in my mind exists still your remember and I will think about you until my last day.
I LOVE YOU.
AND I ALWAYS WILL.
But you will never know.