Today, I just happen to saw the post where she called me ex friend. About time. Oh well. 5 years… I hope it means something at least.
I went to the pond at the park. I have half of mind to just drive myself into the water. Or just bring a gun to my head. But I didn’t do those thing. I didn’t think about it just because I am hurt. Not it is not that reason. I was very disappointed. it was the longest friendship I had and it didn’t works out. I see that she allow her anxiety and pull the negative things and connect them to me. I can’t do anything about it but accept the unfair blames. I do still have those suicidal thought even though I did posted a lot of positive posts. I like to be positive, because it give myself some hope or encourages for myself to process forward while people around seem couldn’t do that for me.That’s why I wrote them… I am all alone most of time.
Tonight, I didn’t think about die near that beautiful pond because I was in pain. I just want to stop the loneliness, and whoever said “See, I was right all along. Nobody is that even good and true to you. That kind of friendship/relationship does not exist. Everyone will end up dislike you in the end, no matter what. You are not that great as you think you are….” out of my head. I need it to fuck shut up.
I could have write beautiful poem about how several groups of the gooses flew off the water toward sunset and how it symbols the release from painful experiences or emotions and continue on. But eh. Tonight. I don’t want to bother to try writing positive note to myself. Not tonight. You guys can if you want to.
3 comments
I would have photographed the scene, I loved to do that, the water, the birds, but not since she left.
Good luck
Thank you. It was a beautiful scene… I am sorry someone left you too… I went to the pond basic on last-minute action. Sometimes, it is good to have unexpected plan to just pull yourself out from life problem. Anyways, I wish you good luck too.
I know how you feel.
Last night I had a dream, I dreamt about past friends, they are alive tho we are nonfriends anymore.
I was in a bus, then it stopped at college, they were all going to travel I saw everyone there.
Then I went to to say hello to each one of them, I kissed them on the cheek and said “merry Xmas” iy was a dream of course.
One tha used to be a very best friend said that they were leaving, then she looked at me and said if I could go, I told her that I have no money to pay the fee, then she asked me how could I pay I said if the interest is 0,0000025% applied every two months I could pay her in five years, she agreed.
After that, we started walking and then I told her that I couldn’t go I didn’t have clothes with me, she said go home and pack, I told her that my car is broken and that there isn’t much time left, I was accompanying her to the bus and I couldn’t stop thanking her for her love, I was saying thanks Rose for you love, she tried to say other things but since I had nothing with me to go I repeated thanks for your love until I wake up.
I didn’t like to wake, I didn’t like the dream, made me suffer even tho I’m trying to he positive about it, tellimg myself it was real, but it wasn’t, I feel really bad.
Today is sunday, I’m working on a sunday coz I have nothing better or someone to stay with, at least I have hope to be paid one day, and if it doesn’t happen the work is finished anyway and I can consider myself free of this responsibility.
I hope you get better, and that you can be friends again.
I would loce to hear from my friend too, but it’s a 5+ years ago.
I didn’t have anyone to tell about this lucid dream of mine, thank you for posting something that allowed me to share this dream.
I’m still feeling pretty bad, a dream so comfy that ended up as a nightmare after waking up.
I can’t forget it even if I want.
Have a nice posible day