Just not tonight.

  February 17th, 2018 by Jean-bean102

Today, I just happen to saw the post where she called me ex friend. About time. Oh well. 5 years… I hope it means something at least.

I went to the pond at the park. I have half of mind to just drive myself into the water. Or just bring a gun to my head. But I didn’t do those thing. I didn’t think about it just because I am hurt. Not it is not that reason. I was very disappointed. it was the longest friendship I had and it didn’t works out. I see that she allow her anxiety and pull the negative things and connect them to me. I can’t do anything about it but accept the unfair blames. I do still have those suicidal thought even though I did posted a lot of positive posts. I like to be positive, because it give myself some hope or encourages for myself to process forward while people around seem couldn’t do that for me.That’s why I wrote them… I am all alone most of time.

Tonight, I didn’t think about die near that beautiful pond because I was in pain. I just want to stop the loneliness, and whoever said “See, I was right all along. Nobody is that even good and true to you. That kind of friendship/relationship does not exist. Everyone will end up dislike you in the end, no matter what. You are not that great as you think you are….” out of my head. I need it to fuck shut up.

I could have write beautiful poem about how several groups of the gooses flew off the water toward sunset and how it symbols the release from painful experiences or emotions and continue on. But eh. Tonight. I don’t want to bother to try writing positive note to myself. Not tonight. You guys can if you want to.

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