Hey. Not dead yet, don’t worry. I still think about dying often, but so far, they’ve remained thoughts.
Is that a good thing? Who knows? It’s supposed to be. I know it’s supposed to good, but it definitely doesn’t feel like it.
I’ve been questioning a lot of things lately.
When should I die? Will I ever? Am I going to do it myself? When should I get help? Should I try to get help? Is it worth it? Can I afford it? What do I do? When will I be happy?
I feel like I know what the answers to these questions are supposed to be, but I can’t seem to convince myself that these are the right choices. I know what I should be doing. I know what the right choice is supposed to be, but I don’t want to do that.
I want to close my eyes and sleep for a while. I want to dream I’ll be happy someplace and I never want my dream to end. I want to dream forever. I want to sleep.
When will I be happy? Can I only be happy in my dreams?
I know the answers to these, too, but I’m still unconvinced. It doesn’t feel like I’ll ever be happy.
Battling with myself is infinitely more difficult than battling with the rest of the world. It’s tiring. I’m so tired.
I want to sleep. When can I sleep?
2 comments
How do you think you are going to get help and what do you think help will be like?
Look,I must apologize in advance,because I’m gonna be a little philosophical and ”preachy”.
Freud wrote that man has a bias for death.Everyone has that,even if they don’t show it.You contrast that by developing,as psychologists say,”defence mechanisms”.You find a hobby,you go to the movies,you get invested in a job,you hang out with people you like etc.It’s not unordinary,it’s not unsual that you feel that way.As Sartre wrote: ”Existence precedes essence”.First of all you realize that you exist,and then try to find a purpose in life.Search inside yourself,find what pleases you the most and then follow it.As Nietzsche wrote: ”Become who you are”.