I used to not want to leave a note. I feel like I have spent my entire life trying to explain myself to people. Family, friends, clinicians…and nobody ever gets it. Ever.
There is one person in my life though, who has tried harder than anyone else to “get” it. And frankly, she doesn’t get it, but she’s come closer than anyone else ever has.
This person was a really good friend to me. Such a good friend that she actually took me into her home so that I could have some time and space to get well. I wanted, so badly, to get “well” (whatever that means…). To get on my feet again and to be able to someday do something–anything–to try to repay her kindness.
In hindsight this was wishful thinking. She wanted to save me, and, after all these years of pain, I wanted to be saved. I think we both had this magical idea that I would come live with her and I would just magically be “cured”.
And the thing is, it has helped immensely. But…it hasn’t fixed everything. And I’ve got to go now. I’ve just…got to go.
I feel like I need to leave a note to this wonderful friend of mine, who I think is going to miss me. I’m just not sure what to say…
“Dearest Friend,
I’m really sorry. I know how many resources–financial and emotional–you poured into trying to help me. You have shown me such kindness and I know I let you down by making this choice.
I know it wasn’t fair of me to do this after living in your house. And I want you to know how much I enjoyed living with you and X. You guys were this beautiful little window into a world full of hope and love…
But, as hard as I tried, I could not get close to really living in that world. As wonderful as it felt to be in such close proximity to the beautiful life that you have, I know I can’t build one for myself. I know you disagree with this. That you think if I could just hold on a little longer, and find the strength and wisdom to do things differently, whole worlds of possibility would open up for me.
Your unrelenting optimism is something I really love about you. I want you to know that, even though I wasn’t able to stay alive, your kindness meant the world to me.
Because of you, I had some wonderful last moments. A beautiful Christmas. I will forever remember sitting with you and X on the couch and laughing uproariously at those Will Ferrel movies. And our pedicures and manicures.
I’m sorry to leave you behind. I know this is going to hurt you, and I’m sorry. I know your response is “no you’re not”–you would say that if I really was sorry I wouldn’t do this.
And here is where I am going to ask you to tap into one of the other qualities I love about you: your empathy. I know you don’t get this. I’m glad you have never (and hopefully will never) feel what I am feeling now. What I have been feeling chronically for years. But if you could just remember seeing how much pain I was in. And how that pain persisted, even when I was living with two wonderful people who would have gone to the ends of the earth to help me feel better. Just remember how hard it was for you, that week that you said you felt held “hostage” by my illness. (I appreciated how careful you were to differentiate me from my illness. You didn’t say “I” was holding you hostage, but that “it” was.) Now imagine feeling held hostage like that throughout your entire life…
Imagine trying, over the course of years, to make things better, but the harder you try the worse it gets. I really wanted to turn things around and make you proud. I wanted that more than anything. I wanted to get back on my feet again and move into a tiny little apartment and invite you over for tea. I wanted to stay friends with you forever, and to have the opportunity to give back to you at least a scintilla of the love and support you showed me.
But…I just can’t do this anymore. I don’t have any fight left in me. I am ready to surrender. And I’m sad because I’m going to miss you and I’m scared because I don’t know what’s next. But I know I can’t fight anymore. So please, just let me go.
Just let me go. And keep living your beautiful life. Keep loving X, and all your friends. Live your life to the fullest–live it for me and know that wherever I am I want the best for you.
Love,
Me”
5 comments
Is that your suicide note?
I thought of leaving a suicide note too and what it would say. I guess I’m just not as considerate of others as much as you though since all I planned on saying is “I tried” with maybe a detail or 2 about who can have what when it comes to my stuff. But I’ve been the opposite of you since I’ve been trying to hide my thoughts from everyone instead of explaining these thoughts.
There is no gate between the two sides of this fence. There is a small window, however, through which to look, and it is empathy. Those on one side rarely cross to the other side, all the while incorrectly expecting that it is a simple task for us to do. It is unfortunate, for people on both sides that the journey of one step be hindered by the deepest of canyons. Perhaps if the journey was succesful, the mind couldn’t or wouldn’t comprehend the transition, and the body would return to the safety of the side it came from, seeking the comfort of the familiar. I don’t believe we’re capable of completely escaping our side.
This is a good note, but the confusion and inability to fully understand will remain, but perhaps just not as strongly. You grew with them, grew to realize the truth and reality of your situation. They have undoubtedly grown also, and will continue to do so, even as they believe it would have worked if you had only tried one more thing. Sometimes, there are no more things to try.
Well said, I hate that inability to fully understand another, when you think about it that in the way is the main issue behind all types of problems between people. We’re unable to bridge an understanding between certain beliefs, especially Pain.
Your feelings and situation struck a chord with me, especially the part where you stated that others felt like a hostage to your illness. I’ll add that we’re a hostage to our illness and I always felt that the people who are completely against suicide without even considering listening to a person reasoning are the ones who are the furthest from being able to dig deep down into themselves, and us depress people got to keep in mind that if they was able to comprehend certain things about a depress mind they too may very well want to kill themselves. Good note, and I hope you find peace in whatever actions you take.