How many times…?

How many times have i done this? Why does not God take me? It’s not like I make a difference here, it only tortures me, and compared to that, I prefer hell. If only I could die … you know? for real? disappear, without heaven, without hell, only nothingness, and never again to be aware of myself again. dude … why? life is not worth it, I am no good to anyone, there will not be a war for my sake, there will not be anyone who will be saved by me, there will not be anything I can do to help anyone. then why? WHY HELL, I STILL NOT KILLED MYSELF? I should do it, and I should do it soon. At least no one will suffer with me, or with my existence again. I could rid all these cells and all those microorganisms of the pain of existing, I could literally save thousands of small lives of pain. Look how beautiful? I’m sure my entire body will want to disappear too, some molecules may want to go back to being plants, or other animals. Wonderful not? … why I was born? Why? … Maybe I was born to kill myself, maybe that was my destiny from the beginning … who knows … really … My life was never worth anything. Even … I should start thinking of a plan. I should start to see which is the fastest but still cheap way I have access … Damn the day I was born. Cursed be the day when my parents conceived me. damn it, my existence means only darkness and pain. And my body, just a prison … this is the only exit, right? I’ve lived with this pain since I’ve known myself, I’ve been a bad person since I was born. I am useful to cause pain and suffering to others. The best thing to do, for the sake of everybody who knows me.
Such an useless child i am. Such an useless human I am… At least, when i cross the line, i can be free right?
Im sorry for rambling, but i needed to do this. Well, maybe this will be my last post… maybe not….who knows?