I don’t belong anywhere

I never really understood why

I always felt out of place.

It don’t really make sense to me cause growing up, I moved a lot. Supposedly that makes me able to adjust to new environments but no, I’ll always feel alone.

1. I’ll never be able to absorb the local accent/dialect fast enough so I speak in this funny (I guess it’s funny to my friends then), mish-mash of whatever accent/dialect I heard all my life. And locals end up making fun of my pronunciation and laughing at how funny I look like trying to speak like them.

2. I used to feel this disconnect with people around me. I can’t relate to them, and I don’t believe them when they say they can relate to me.  Sometimes I say things without thinking through, and the words that came out clashed my inner views (like I parrot the views of the people around me) so I ended up being confused with myself and hating myself for the dissonance.

3. My parents always disapprove of how exaggeratedly I react to things and remind me how I should be this composed, perfect person. No screaming out of shock, no running even when you’re totally late, no breaking down in front of relatives and the elders, no slamming stuffs when I’m angry. Yeah, I don’t feel belong in my own family.

4. My family members/people around me are huge misogynists, racist, homophobic human beings and there, I can’t relate to this way of thinking. So I feel kinda alone (even if this difference is supposed to be good).

5. I’m just different than the people I live with. Or maybe my parents instilling this “perfect people manners” in my head worked cause everyone else is perfect but me. Every other child out there is perfect but me. So as long as I’m not perfect I won’t feel like I belong anywhere. Maybe. (Now that I grew up I know that nobody is perfect but this belief will never really leave me, it seems).

I have this fear that no matter where I go in this world, I’ll never feel belong anywhere. Nobody will understand me. I ended up feeling more alone than ever.