I’m just too much

I started this account cause I don’t want to bother anyone else. These feelings have been around for a long time but have escalated since about a little more than a year ago.

Some of my friends have depression or some other mental illness so I know that I shouldn’t be venting to them (I’m pretty sure I don’t have one). The others don’t need me to be a total let down and ruin the mood. I wouldn’t even bother with my parents, cause if I do my dad is just gonna tell me to go outside more and my mom is gonna give me a speech. Plus if I do tell them I’d also have to tell them everything else, including that I’m gay, which would send me to conversion therapy. I don’t think I should go to the school counselor cause she already has enough people to deal with who need it more than me, and I don’t want to take time away from them.

When I’m around with friends, I notice they tend to avoid me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m annoying or if I said something wrong or if it’s both, but I try to socialize anyway, often going apeshit crazy cause I rarely hang out. After it’s over though, I feel gross. Like I ruined everyones time there. I’ve asked a friend if I was annoying, to which he said no to, but he’s also the kind of person to lie to be nice (not cause he’s a liar just cause he’s that nice). I’ve had a another friend suggest that I ought to go to the counselor, but I feel like it’s meant for other people.

With my family, I waste everything. I eat everything. I’m essentially a walking, talking garbage can. Sometimes I’ll go back to eat more food after dinner and my dad will tell me not to, and I’ll spite starve myself (this has happened twice and only lasted for a week cause I’m a competitive swimmer so I don’t want to disappoint my coach either with being so slow, but in the week I’ll lose about 5-10 lbs and then gain it right back by bingeing). My mom keeps telling me to look at colleges and giving me speeches about going to college and what not. Frankly, I’m to scared to be swimming in college debt, and I don’t intend on living past 18 (I’m about to be 17 soon). I’m not that smart or fast to get anything from a college either. My little sister is such a tattle tale so I can never tell her anything, plus she’s more their child than I am cause she embodies everything they want in kid, their ideals and opinions as well, except for the obedience. I do as I’m told so that I stay out of their way. My parents aren’t bad people (we’re also in the upper middle class range so we’re not struggling or anything), they don’t hit me or anything like that, they’re just so bigoted that if they really knew me they’d probably hate me.

At around the beginning of the school year I was in a car crash (I had the right of way but I still feel responsible for it). I was driving with my sister at the passenger side. The crash looked kinda rough cause the car tipped to its side but I found out later that neither us nor the the people in the other car were hurt. I cried right after I’d gotten out of the car, not because I was scared or hurt but because I had just ruined a perfectly good car and that my parents would have to pay for another. I cried because I could have killed the other people and my sister. I cried because they had to direct traffic out of the way cause I ruined their day and that the other people would be late to whatever they were going to do. I felt so guilty for all of it.

I start to think about suicide in cycles which starts with some stress first and turns into a kind of “depressive” (like I said, I’m pretty sure I don’t have it) episode that will last about a week, sometimes they’re a month or two apart and sometimes they’re a week or two apart. During the episode, I generally feel like shit and look up methods of suicide, sometimes in the middle of class, I try to avoid friends and often leave group chats which I later rejoin, I’ve started crying at home as well, which makes me feel worse and weak. When the episode ends I feel like a dumbass for thinking like that, in which that thinking brings me into another episode (with added stress of course).

I talk to myself a lot cause I don’t want to bother other people. I’ll pretend I’m talking to my friends, imaging their voice and everything, or an imaginary therapist. I feel so lonely. I talk to people in my head a lot more than in real life. I’m afraid to change the sheets on my bed and pillows cause pretending to talk to people isn’t enough anymore so I have to imagine it’s another persons smell (pathetic right).

I guess I haven’t killed myself cause I only live to try and help other people, I hate being alive but I’m also scared of death (lol stuck between a rock and a hard place). I want to help my friends when I can but I’ve come to realize they don’t need me anymore. Which is good! they shouldn’t. There’s also the fact that when I do look up ways to kill myself I find that I don’t have many options available and the ones that I do have aren’t as “safe proof” and are very painful and/or take too long. I’ve had chances to do it fast, but I was too chicken to go for it. I haven’t had a “real” attempt yet (putting small amounts of ineffective poison in my food recently, not nearly enough to kill me, and, honestly, not enough to harm me either) but I feel like I’m really going to start trying soon. Whenever I think about suicide, I feel like my subconscious is telling me not to, saying how much of a burden I would be if did: the mess I’d make, the funeral they’d pay for and arrange, the things they’d have to sell, and what not (like some kind of double burden paradox). And if I didn’t succeed, I’d become some vegetable they’d have to look out for and pay for which is worse.

I don’t think anyone would really miss me. I feel like I’m just that one person people just deal with.