long teenage sob story

March 22nd, 2018by mercii

Want to rant.

Have always had minor to moderate social anxiety, getting quite a bit worse in eighth grade. I’ve always had big plans and goals since middle school and have repeatedly failed them all as well as my grades. Could never turn anything in on time or be organised for the life of me. B student. I’ll change over the summer.

Flash forward to highschool (2016). I take summer school the summer before to have room for a digital media class. Plan on working out and and being healthy and productive. Summer flops and I play video games.  I’ll change this semester of school.

First year of high school I get extremely depressed and my parents and I are always fighting over grades. Mum is always yelling at me for never getting out the door on time. Disordered eating. Try to kill myself with (not enough) Tylenol since that’s what they do in the movies. Got a stomachache. Parents figure out from then boyfriend and I get yelled at and told it’s all for attention.

Second semester (2017). Completely over myself and into anorexic and bullimic spirals. Pathetic. Worse grades than the first semester with a B average. Told I’ll never get into a UC college with this attitude.

Spend summer in ED treatment and summer school to get ahead in maths. Where I should be since they’d never put me in a higher maths because I fucked up middle school.

Fresh start? Two months into tenth grade and I promise to kill myself in January (not to ruin anyone’s Christmas). I failed eating, working out, and doing well. Didn’t kill self in January (2018) and my grades tanked (thought I wouldn’t reap any consequences because I’d be dead). Parents threaten to move to rural area unless I get my grades up.

Now March. Ordered a pack of bitter seeds with cyanide in them. Downing the whole thing and actually using a lethal, quick, somewhat painless method. Parents open package for some reason and realise. Long talk.

Had been seeing a therapist since that 2018 February. The one they said if I don’t go to turn myself around they’ll send me to said rural area with Uncle. Parents say they regret their decisions and are deeply sorry after therapist talks to them.

Therapists wants to make me sign a no suicide contract with herself and another one with parents. Absolutely pointless and guilt trip mechanism imo. Tell her I won’t until I’m 18. I can turn my life around with parents’ actual support, therapy, gym membership, ADHD meds + diagnoses, right?

I’ve had zero motivation or will to live since about 5-6 months now. I haven’t given a shit in a long time and I sure as all hell don’t now. I have no moral qualms against death and I am not afraid of it. I don’t do anything I love anymore. No maths, flute, language learning, even reading. I still cant bring myself to talk with my parents. I swore to myself freshman attempt #1 that if I don’t die now next year same date regret I didn’t. Not wrong

My parents told me they’d be devastated and my dad would shoot himself. Guilt can only work for so long. I’m done, and my death is fucking overdue. I am a burden and all I do is play videogames and browse youtube. My rooms a mess. My parents have lowered the bar so much that they barely even parent me anymore. I’m not content going to community college and being average and I’ve already wrecked my chances in two short years of high school. I wanted to be an astrophysicist.

A girl in my band also wants to be an astrophysicist. But she has her shit together and has good grades and self and emotional control.

I’m 15 years old and about to find another, more sure way to off myself for good. I’m sick of my eating disorder, my depression, and my repeated failures and lazinesslat everything I do. I can see this being a lifelong trend I don’t want to deal with. My life is insignificant and I subscribe to nihilism.

I needed to vent as I’m very emotionally agitated right now. I’m not usually this way. I hope someone can take something from reading this now that it’s written .

 

 

 

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