when i was in primary school, i used to ask my mother to help me solve my homework. no matter how much i asked, no matter how much she explained, i never really get it.
and then i hear her scream in my ear, calling me names. and i wondered back then if i had a learning disability, if im everything she told me in her rage.
despite that, i still did ok at school, maybe. and never really know it for she never gave encouragements and the like. one thing i believed then that if im clever, she’ll love me. and so i just studied. and studied. and still never get the love i think i’ll get.
i dont really blame her for what she did. it was hard raising four kids on your own with your husband going elsewhere and never giving enough money. my mum worked, and still do two other part time jobs and my dad just–he never even paid for groceries then.
sometimes in her rage, she’d yell about how she wished i had died as a kid, how much we’re all (her children) a burden to her. i just– i sometimes believed her when she says that. and i dont want to be a burden to her anymore.
maybe if i dont exist, she’ll finally be able to chase her dreams. and i’ll be happy just knowing that. i dont wanna be a burden for anyone.
i hug her sometimes. kiss her hand. i dont know how much longer i wanna see her, im really just staying alive for my friends.
3 comments
I hope this doesn’t offend you but that’s not right for your mother to say at all about her kids. She made the choices that lead to having you all. Even when it’s difficult raising you all and she gets upset, she should see that it’s her own fault for her mess and not yours.
Parents should never say that sort of thing in front of their children in the very least.
It is good of you to still love her though. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
Peace to you all. Mother included.
im not offended at all. when i tell my friends about my mum they would all say more or less the same thing. once a best friend said, “i wouldnt be able to live if your mum is mine”
and only then i realised that what happened to me, dont necessarily happen to anyone. that thats not how mothers should be.
Soapandwasser, you are relating a story that plays out in millions and millions of families every day. People having children who are not ready to meet those very real needs of children like food, shelter, and scholastic support. I hope any one on here reading this and contemplating reproducing will think twice. Like, do I have what it takes emotionally and economically?