My Self-Sabotaged Love

I emotionally cheated on the person that I love. It is hard to admit to that but I need to come to terms with it. It took a very long time to find sense in why I was doing it but in the aftermath it has become more clear to me and I would like to share it, because this pain follows me everywhere, all the time. Here is the background – I was with my boyfriend for a year and a half, it was wonderful in all aspects of the relationship. I loved him and had more of a connection with him than anyone else in my life, and I don’t open up to people easily. We were best friends and I wanted so much with him. About 5 months ago my dog died, the last time that I had a dog that died I went into a downward spiral of depression (I have had on-off depression for about 5 years now) so I made a mental note to make sure to watch for depression this time. I thought that I was fine. A guy friend of mine had been talking to me more around that time (all via text) and he was very nice about consoling me when she died. I started to talk to him more and more after that, I was appreciating the attention that he was giving me as my boyfriend and I have been doing long distance for awhile and it wasn’t feeling like a romantic relationship anymore, we were basically waiting to work on us more when I moved home. I was starting to not feel love for my boyfriend anymore – little did I know that this was the depression. I never feel anything during it and I guess that includes love. I thought that the spark was gone and our relationship was at fault but that was wrong. I appreciated the attention from my friend so much that I thought I liked him as more than a friend and I told him that. I felt bad so I told my boyfriend about it, starting a long couple months of on-off breaks. I just did not know what I wanted. He wanted me to stop talking to my friend and I didn’t want to do this because I was enjoying our conversations. In the end I tried to cut it off a few times but my friend would always fight it to the point that I would feel bad and end up talking to him again in like a week. This was around the time that I was finishing college and moving back home. My depression is always eased at home and it was no different this time. I moved and felt a bit better, I had made the decision to cut off my friendship with this guy and focus on my relationship but then my boyfriend broke up with me. After that I was completely torn, my feeling was coming back so I felt everything, the guilt and self hate, the love that I had not felt before, and now the loss of a lifetime. I tried to explain to him about how I was “back” now and wanting to be with him but I had hurt him for too long, talking to him is like talking to a skeleton of the man I loved. It has been 3 months since the breakup and I still cry almost every day. The only days I don’t cry is when I have convinced myself that he deserves better than me after I hurt him. He is everything I want, I have never been so close with someone and I miss his friendship more than anything else. I still love him, I don’t want to get over him and I don’t know if I ever will. I don’t think I ever should, I did this to us and to him.