Objective Point of View

It was exactly one week ago that I had my first date. I was excited admittedly. She was a girl from work and she asked me out. She was real nice and held a good conversation. I took her to eat and to a movie. Paid for everything. Things went well. We talked, had a few laughs. Absolutely nothing to complain about. She stated that she wasn’t looking for a relationship, said she just wanted to be by herself with her baby (6 mo old). That’s understandable. Like an idiot, I bought condoms before the date just in case. I wasn’t expecting anything, but I also didn’t want to be caught unprepared. All that happened was a hug. A nice hug, but just a hug. There was this one awkward point were I put my arm around her as we were ordering, asked if it was ok, she said yes, I immediately apologized and pulled my arm away regardless. Overall it went well. Haven’t really talked to her since. She has a kid after all and I haven’t worked since last Wednesday. Over the course of the week, I thought about what I want. I know what she wants. She just want’s to go out and have fun. Understandable. What do I want though? Relationships scare me. People scare me. Needing people scare me. The idea that I would willingly involve someone in my life that has a sort of hold over me, a power over me, terrifies me. People are an enigma. You can find a generally pattern of how they act, but they always seem to find a way to subvert that pattern. Having this random force in my life that can essentially dictate how I feel, sad, happy, angry, lonely, is mindboggling. Compounding that with depression would be even worse. I keep going back and forth between being ok with being alone and not being ok with being alone. I feel the happiest when I’m on my own, on the road. Just driving and listening to music. Nothing but me and my truck. I find that I have to keep moving to keep up the shame of happiness. Otherwise, stopping and seeing all the people happy and content will make me feel miserable. Being at University, as you can imagine, gives me alot of time to simply stop and observer all these happy people.
Things that distract me:
Games
Work
Driving
TV (Sometimes)
I haven’t been doing too hot this week. Grades are starting to slip. Slightly, but still slipping. Need to get my act together. Admittedly I’m upset since I spent my spring break working my job while everyone else got to dick around. I have reached that point in the semester where my caring for anything is low. Usually doesn’t happen until a bit later. Possibly because I’m working? Hard to say. Moving to an apartment away from campus should ease the sadness. Or agitate it? Time will tell. Going to Houston for the summer. Going to live with Uncle and Aunt while working a job. Don’t want to go back home. Home is boring. Houston has a great porn shop. Nice DVDs and magazines. I’m a sucker for physical stuff. There is a novelty to owning a magazine. Makes me feel adult. Sort of. My income is allowing me to actually start paying for stuff instead of pirating. Crunchyroll and video games are nice to have now. Especially since I can pay for them. That’s all I have to say for now. Thanks for listening if you did.