What’s the point?

When people ask me how old I am, I actually have to stop and think about it. I’m 24 now and sometimes that surprises me, I was honestly convinced at one point that I would get to die young. Well, it was more of a hope really, perhaps that way I wouldn’t have to deal with any of the bullshit responsibilities, obligations, and insecurities that I am facing now. I guess death seemed/seems like the easy way out.

My years in high school all seem like a blur now, but I do remember feeling tired all the time. I didn’t know it back then, but I was dealing with depression, and I have been for most of my life. I don’t know what triggered it in the first place, perhaps it all began with the sexual abuse I suffered throughout my childhood. It wasn’t so much the sexual abuse that fucked me up or the amount of times it occurred, but more so it was the way in which my ‘family’ handled it. They didn’t believe me, and later they blamed it on me. I no longer have a ‘family,’ and perhaps I’m better off, but it still hurts you know? I feel angry, sad, and worthless. Even though I know I was just a kid who wasn’t at fault, I cant help but blame myself for causing such a rift in my family.

I’ve managed to forgive my parents for the way they chose to deal with the entire situation, but our relationship is still strained. I don’t think I ever received closure, and I feel like my parents are reluctant to talk about it because they feel guilty. It hurts, but I feel like I can’t completely  trust them, I feel like I can’t tell them about my depression because it would crush them. As far as they know, they think I am an incredibly strong person who managed to overcome so much and is now doing well, but it’s not like that. I’m not okay. I try my best to put a smile on my face because that’s what everyone wants. I have a nice group close friends. I managed to graduate from college and am currently working on a masters degree. It all seems so ideal right? But it doesn’t feel that way. College? It was just an expectation. My friends? Sometimes it feels like an obligation just to hang out with them. My future? I don’t have a fucking clue but everyone expects me to have my shit together. It sucks but after college I couldn’t land a decent job and that shit messed me up hard. The thing about me is that I have to be constantly doing something, I have to be distracted with work or school otherwise my depression gets worse. Without a job, I jumped into a random masters program and that is my current distraction, it’s not even something I want but at least it’s keeping me somewhat busy.

So now I currently feel so pathetic and inadequate and I’m just aimlessly wandering hoping I’ll miraculously figure my life out. I’m 24 but I feel like my life isn’t going anywhere. To be honest I don’t know what I want in life. I have a hard time envisioning a future because it just seems so pointless to me. What is the point of life? To graduate and have a successful career? Buy a car then a house? Get married and then have kids and watch the cycle go on? Is that it? Because I’m not really sold on the idea. I’m not really passionate about anything. I feel apathetic most of the time and socializing feels like a chore. I rarely go out, and I feel bad for my friends who try so hard to cheer me up. I hate opening up to them because I feel like I’m such a downer all the time, they deserve better than me. I’ve never been in a relationship, partly because the idea of becoming physically and emotionally intimate with someone terrifies me and also because I don’t feel emotionally stable or capable to be involved with someone. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone and right now all I am good for is dragging people down with my depression. Don’t get me wrong I hate feeling this way, I feel so ungrateful and if I could slap myself out of it I would.

I love my friends and my parents, they do not deserve this, but I’m tired of protecting them from my reality. I am not okay! I’ve tried to talk myself out of suicide in the past, I tell myself I should live for my loved ones but I’m beginning to feel like they wont be enough to keep me here. I’m just tired of pretending, tired of the facade of being okay when I am not. If it were up to me, I would have taken my life long ago. I find myself contemplating suicide more and more often. Would it really be so selfish to take my life? I feel like I’ve been living for everyone except for myself. Everything I have done or pretended to be has been for someone else and I’m just tired of it. When can I do something for myself for a change?

I suffer from horrible insomnia and I feel so tired all the time. I contemplate death because I feel like it’ll grant me the rest and peace I need. I fantasize about dying because that way I wont have to pretend anymore, I wont have to deal with anything anymore, I’ll be free. Yet I cant bring myself to do it yet because I am angry, I am angry at myself for not being enough, for not being content, for being so ungrateful and unhappy. I hate feeling this way, feeling like a little ***** who cant handle shit.

I’ve reached out for help, I’ve been prescribed some antidepressants and started therapy to cope with all this shit. Maybe I’ll get better or maybe not, I don’t know but at least I’m trying, I hope it’s enough.