It’s weird how on this site I can say what’s on my mind and perhaps roll in self pity or whatever, but in real life I pretend to be some loopy and happy kid. I put on a show for my friends and act like an idiot just to see them smile or something cheesy. Lately though, I’ve had one friend who talks to me about how much they hate themselves or how they’re garbage or how their a bad person. I keep telling them their not bad and I keep trying to ask why they see themselves this way and I keep getting the same answer “I just am.” And it’s all so weird because it’s the exact stuff I tell myself. I want to say that I feel same way, but I know that won’t get anything done so I tell them to go the counselor (they forgot to) and tell them their great or that it’s ok. But I can’t keep doing this, I’m so close to telling them that I drink a little antifreeze here and there (I’m a very squeamish person so I don’t cut) and that I wanna die by train, but I don’t want to occupy more space in their mind than I have to.
I so badly want them to not get so far into thinking like me, but it’s hard to get someone to believe something that you don’t even believe yourself.
They say they’re ugly and I tell them they’re not. But I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without being disgusted.
They say they’re a bad person and I tell them they’re great and amazing. But I can’t ever see myself as anything other than an awful burden.
I see myself in this person and I really want to make them happy but I’m scared I’ll slip up and tell them something that send them down and down.
I sometimes wonder that if I told my real life friends, would I just be like this person. Someone who people genuinely care about, but who spouts hatred to them self. I don’t think so but that’s what this person certainly is.
I guess what I’m trying say is that I want to help but I can’t even help myself.
(lol just realized this is a little over dramatic :V but whatevs)
3 comments
Find something you love to do
You don’t need to worry
This post really speaks to me. There are depressed people and there are happy people, and the worst is to be caught between the two because that ensures nobody gets you.
I can only share my experience and hope it gives you insight. In your situation I ended up commiserating with my depressed friend, but it was through my happy act. I agreed that life is pointless and I think about giving up, but I did it in a way that they didn’t take me seriously and probably thought I was just agreeing with them. It seemed to help (them) but afterwards I felt more alone than ever. But whatever. The goal was to make them feel better and it worked.
I want to give you a hug. You need a support person as much as the next person and you shouldn’t have to feel this way- at least I wish you didn’t feel this way. I hope you find the happiness you pretend to embody because you seem like a nice individual who deserves a little love/self-love.