Update

April 3rd, 2018by Eccedentesiastsoul

It’s been a while since I’ve last been on here. As a matter of fact, it has been a while since I’ve confronted myself about what is going on around me. For the most part, I blame it on school. I have loads of work to do and having to balance it while also dealing with my parent’s bullshit takes up all my time. I guess part of the reason I have not been putting anything on here is also because I fear someone finding out that this account belongs to me. Anyways, things have been all over the place. I have relapsed twice last month and as of today, I am six days clean of cutting. I held on for about 180 days and I didn’t cut but I just kept on feeling numb. At this point I can say that I no longer care, I do not think I am ever going to completely stop cutting. If not cutting, I self harm using other methods. To be completely honest, I do not know how much I have put out there but I’m going to start by saying that I had a set plan. I was not in the country and before I left I told myself that on the day I was supposed to come back I would take my life, but unfortunately I did not. I have nothing to hold on to anymore and I just do not seem to have a purpose.

On a side note, I got my ears pierced a few days ago without asking my parents for permission. Where I live, it is totally legal and you do not need your parents consent as long as it is on your ears. I have asked my mom whether I could get them pierced before but she kept on saying no and although I tried convincing her she wouldn’t listen to me and she would just shut it down. At one point, she was fine with it and told me it is your choice but I know she said it to send me away. Finally, when I went out with a friend, I gathered enough courage to get more piercings. We were at the mall, and I suggested it since there was a pharmacy that would do them for around 16$ for two holes. She called her mom to ask whether she could get it done and her mom said she could only get one. On the other hand, I saw no point in calling my mom because first, she had no idea that I was at the mall since my parents would never be okay with me going out with a friend on my own to the mall. Second, I knew it was a hopeless case and she would say no. Third, I stand to believe that it is my body and it belongs to me which means I am free to do whatever it is I want to do with it, so I did not need her permission to do something to my body. As ironic as it sounds, I was not put into her in order to serve her, if that makes sense. After getting them done, I told my older sister and she said she was glad I finally got them done since she knew how much I have been wanting them. I kept my ears covered for the past few days but I forgot to do so today. I had just finished working out and my mom was calling my siblings and I in order for us to have lunch. I hurried and forgot to put my hair done so when I was half way done with my lunch, my mom asks me whether I got my ears pierced and frightened I say no, she gets up and asks again so I said yes. She came closer and started hitting the place I got pierced and I told her to stop because it hurts. She kept on hitting me while asking where I got them and how. With my dad just sitting there, I lied and said I got them when I went with them to the mall, since I visited the mall the day after getting them pierced but with them. She kept on implying that obviously I’ve done worse shit without them knowing. I continuously told her that it is my body, however, she asked over and over again what people would think of me now since I had more than three piercings. That set me off, I just hate it so much because all people care about over here is what others have to say about each other. If I do end up not killing myself, I just hope I get out of here. For those of you wondering, all my dad said was that it was because they give us a monthly allowance, which is literally the only thing he provides for us so he can fucking continue spending his money on hookers and trying to cover up how big of an asshole he is. Yes, my relationship with my parents is based off of lies. They lie to me and I lie to them. There is no point in trying to be honest with them because they are the least understanding people and most probably the biggest hypocrites out there. I still remember when I was about 7-9 years old, my mom would force me to sleep and if I wouldn’t sleep she would tell me that she would call my dad and let him hit me. Often, it happened and I think it is why I fear just speaking to my dad.

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