I know that there is little to be gained from comparing one’s life to what it “should” be…but…
I tried so hard. I did all the “right” things. Got a good education at a prestigious school. Studied really hard. Worked really hard at every job I ever had. Worked really hard at every relationship I ever had–romantic or platonic. Failed at absolutely everything. Everything.
And now I am 35 and I have nothing. I just lost the best friendship I’ve ever had and my place to live. I am house sitting and basically have a week to find a new place to live and a job.
And I’m trying to proof my resume and all I see are gaps and failures. I just googled “how to find a job when you are a gigantic loser and no one in their right mind would hire you”. No helpful advice. Go figure.
I am in a cafe right now. Watching all these young people working on their laptops. It reminds me of when I was in school, studying in cafes. I cannot stop thinking about how disgusted my younger self would be with me right now.
4 comments
I’m 32 and I think I’m going to kill myself, by hanging. I think I know how you feel.
I know death by hanging will be painful, but I’m going to try and find the courage to do it. I know that if I don’t I will be living through more pain.
And I need the pain to stop.
There is nothing more discouraging than putting so much effort into everything and having little, if anything, to show for it. You are the same age as I am, so you are well aware of how the goalposts shifted right as we started coming of age.
Growing up, we were told that earning a college degree and working hard were the keys to success. And we bought into that strategy because it had worked for previous generations. Seeing college graduates working at Starbucks, Wal-Mart, Mickey D’s, or nowhere at all was extremely uncommon before the 2008 financial crisis and was almost unheard-of prior to the dot-com bubble burst in the early-2000s (when people our age were starting college full of tremendous optimism). It was right around the time that we millennials started graduating from college that we were suckerpunched by the 1-2 combo of severe economic downturn + declining public valuation of higher education and hard work. All of a sudden, the once-esteemed college degree was regarded as the new high school diploma; working hard was deemed less important than “working smart,” having connections, and possessing soft skills; and income inequality rose to levels not seen before in our lifetimes. A lot of young adults, who would have turned out alright in a previous era, were victims of circumstances and bad timing. Likewise can be said about relationships in the modern age, romantic or otherwise. As much as I hate claiming victimhood, it’s impossible to ignore the extent to which external factors have messed with so many people’s lives, hopes, dreams, and futures.
I know it can be difficult, but try not to beat yourself up too much over not being where you want to be in life at this very moment. You have a lot of things going for you, including a solid educational background and a strong work ethic, and deserve a lot better in life. Experiencing so many setbacks at once would test even the most resilient person’s resolve to pick himself up again. I know because I’m in a similar predicament myself.
Best of luck with everything!
Yup, hard work and intelligence doesn’t get you anywhere sometimes. I feel totally the same way. This type of thing burns me.
I vowed I would never write a resume what a complete waste of time. The only reason I’ve ever applied for work is to get money to afford to end my life so it makes sense I am never hired.