The whole world writes love songs and I can’t fall in love. I’m an outsider and the moment I get that through my massive fucking skull I can finally stop playing this stupid game. squares don’t fit in circle holes so why am I still forcing it? I’m too stupid to know when to stop, so I guess when the tank hits E I’ll know. Until then I’ll just turn my guitar up real loud and scream. It’s kept my heart beating for at least five years now, it can run the machine a bit longer.
some day I won’t have to spout bullshit to strangers online who have better things to worry about. Someday I won’t have to walk outside with a facade so good that so many people become attached to it. Someday I won’t remember getting drunk and talking to someone who wasn’t there when I turned to look. Some day I’ll empathize with love songs. Some day my blood won’t hurt when I think about how pathetic, alone and used I am. And some day I’ll die. Maybe I’ll live first, but I probably won’t. I’ll still be desperately looking for evidence of distant human interaction between myself and anons who have no reason to care until it finally, thankfully breaks me and I can choke on exhaust fumes like I should have from the start. I wonder what it’s like to pass out. I wish I knew. I wish I didn’t have to be awake so often. I wish I wasn’t so alone.
1 comment
They’ll be a space you fit in just fine. Square pegs can and have fit in circle holes, and either as being different sizes or breaking something, it works one way or another. Mostly it’s just easier looking for a different spot, though. That usually being just a slight degree of difference in ease..
Feeling alone, being alone in any prolonged sense, especially when craving the opposite is it’s own type of hell, which doesn’t make the endurer pathetic.
I know what passing out feels like. As a result of another or my own action, the experience is much like sleep.. conscious one moment, unconscious the next, knowing the difference coming to. What is felt besides depends on circumstance, usually unpleasant.
I’ve had bad days when how much of the day I have to get through before I’m tired enough for sleep can cause hyperventilating.. it’s not a good feeling.
And while you may not have the kind of connection you want, and nobody is there and even when no one can completely relate.. in pieces, in your moments, your moods, you’re never alone in what you feel. Small comfort, true.
Long way to go, getting further away.. even when what you aim for seems increasingly out of reach, some forward motion is made, at least to something. All I know is there’s a lot of some days that happen and they always turn into something. I hope yours will be better.