Any doctors in the house?

My cryptic nature mayBother you but I suppose the sn doesn’t offer enough online anonymity. For all I know my neighbors reading this connecting the dots.

But here it goes – If I were where I was a year ago, if my life hasn’t had an upending switch (moved 2500 miles away alone) would I be dead? Probably not. I’m too weak. Just like I won’t do it now, just wanna be dead. All in all Its been a decent year. Slow, tough start had me second guessing myself and everything. Then January 9th til about now Ive been more or less to busy to be able to think about anything else. See I have this job that comes with a fast and hard stressful deadlines, along with multiple simoltanious overlapping projects right. But there’s also times when I literally have nothing to do. That’s now. Squat. Boredom. And without all the work, which I pretty much hate BTW, I sink back into my self deprecating ways, inspite of the positive feedback I get from time to time.

Ultimately my life’s not so bad, there’s no logical reason to be here. Yet unless I’m busting my ass working  heaps of hours and too invested in not failing in my people pleasing ways I dream of death. No internal desires or goals to even aspire to. I’m a turd and  I can’t help but ask, WTF?