Do you want to die?

“Do you want to die?”

This is a question I have been asked multiple times. By my counsellor, my brothers, my friends and my mum. I’ve recently started talking to an online counsellor and I’ve talked about self harm and she asked me if I wanted to die. My older brother mostly but also sometimes my younger brother have asked me in a threat kind of way if I do something wrong to them and they say “Do you want to die!?”. My friends maybe before doing something dangerous or stupid or while playing a game and doing something risky where I could die in it, they’ve asked me “Do you want to die?”. And the worst one yet, today my mum was yelling at me because I’ve been eating things that can make me really sick in the future and she asked me “Do you want to die?”.

Every time, I’ve said no. But that’s just it – Maybe I do want to die.