either ways it is bad

i promised myself that i will commit suicide today at 10
it is almost 10 now
and i have been reading about the symptoms that i will suffer of after taking all those medicines
i am scared
if both doing it and not doing it
i am scared of doing it because probably i will die but not a nice peaceful one and if didnt work i might suffer from different health problems .. also i am pretty sure my family wont support me
my dad would say that i am too weak and this is because i am a spoiled girl
my mom would be surprised and then she will use this as another reason to control my life even more since she is scared about me without knowing that what made me like this is her and her being so controly
they might take me to the psychiatrist and i know that i wont be able to tell them that i already go a doctor because they will leave everything and start asking Q like
when
how did you know him
where do you get your money
then they will insist on going with me then i will even hate going to the doctor
and here we go again

i dont do this
i dont know how i will keep on living
today my mom started yelling at me because i am depressed
she has forgotten what she did to me yesterday by checking my virginity
now she is relieved
so i have to be happy for that

what should i do i really dont know
pray for me