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I just want to be free again

by Cotton candy whispers

In January I tried to end it all. I’m in love with a man who I can never be with, he plays on my emotions and makes me obsessively crazy. It’s a power trip for him and I’ve never been more in love with anyone. I lost my well paying job due to depression and not being able to preform at work any longer. I’m married to a man who I don’t love, we are roommates that split bills and I desperately want out

The day I decided to leave, I took handfuls of pills until I blacked out. It was quiet and dark and I didn’t feel anything, until I woke up. I vomited for almost 24 hours and then it was back to life as usual.

I just want it to end. I can no longer support my former life style and am on the verge of losing everything I’ve worked for my whole life. I feel nothing, just emptiness and annoyance at all the day to day obligations. Work, bills, people, cleaning, drs appointments etc.

Once summer is over I will be trying it again. Hopefully I don’t mess it up again (it sucks when you fail so miserably that you can’t even die right) I hate the cold, I want to enjoy the summer as much as I can and then slip away In the fall.


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AXYZ 6/1/2018 - 4:56 am

You mentioned the man you love in the same breath as wanting to end it all, so I’ll assume that’s the biggest suicidal issue in your life (if I’m wrong please tell me). Also in the same breath you said “he plays on my emotions and makes me obsessively crazy. It’s a power trip for him”, which sums up the problem. You feel an emotional connection with someone who is abusive toward you.

I’m not going to try to solve anything for you, but I’m really curious because I’ve never understood this. Why are you in love with a cruel person? Shouldn’t kindness, or at least reciprocal interest, be the primary requisite for any emotional attachment? Or is it purely physical

IrrationalLion 6/21/2018 - 10:48 pm

Before you try again I think you should ty to live again first. If you can afford to, maybe move out and get your own little apartment. Try getting a job you don’t completely hate. Try putting yourself out there and dating again & stay as far as you can from the man you love. I don’t know if I was in your position that’s what I would probably try to do before ending it all but I wish you good luck with your everyday struggles

tired123 7/21/2018 - 4:01 am

It sounds more like infatuation than love…. Love is returned, equal, giving and so much more. If this man is on a power trip because he knows you have feelings for him RUN AWAY! It feels like love because you want him so badly… When you finally have real love you will know the difference.
As far as your every day life………. I get it, It can really SUCK. Every thing you have to do becomes a chore and monotonous. I am at the point where i just go through the moves over and over every day. And I wonder if it will ever get better. <3 I hope it does get better for you. Keep going keep fighting.

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