I’ve been going on and off this site for the past 4 years as a way of letting out everything I’m not able to say to others. However I think I’m reaching the point of no return where what I’m feeling is something I cannot describe. Whenever I felt like things were about to overflow, I just wrote it down and allowed myself to calm down a little. However for the last week I’ve been feeling very uneasy on that regard, unable to explain what I feel.
Summer breaks from college are the worst since people are no longer “forced” to see me almost daily, so everyone’s true colors come out and I realize how forgettable I am. At this point I don’t feel like writing anymore, since I’ve had the exact same problem for the past four years of my life, and describing how it feels to be a nobody to 95% of the people I know seems pretty pointless by now. No matter how hard I try, I always end up being an insignificant part on someone else’s life. No matter how much I care, what I receive from others is way disproportional to what I give them and what I expect to get. And thinking about what awaits me in the future makes me really anxious, since I don’t see a point in going on. I think I never thought so much about suicide as much as I do right now.
This must be what the end of the world feels like.
5 comments
I just need need need to tell you that what you’ve written here sounds exactly like me, 5 years ago, when I was graduating college.
I had no idea what was coming next.
I felt like my friends didn’t give a shit about me.
I felt like I gave and gave and gave and nobody ever reciprocated.
I felt like I had nothing left to give. Like I had been walked all over and taken for granted.
I felt like all the accomplishments of my lifetime were behind me.
I saw no future.
I saw no reason to keep going.
I was scared out of my mind.
My world as I knew it was ending.
Turns out it actually was.
I had to start making big-kid decisions and that was scary and hard and overwhelming. I literally grieved college. Still am, to be honest.
Since then I have learned that people have a tendency to focus on themselves 99% of the time. That’s just because we are human and that’s what we do. I figured out that when my friends don’t text me for a week or 2 or 6 months, it’s because they are busy, not because they don’t like me. I’ve learned that when I reach out to them I always get a positive response.
I learned to build a new world for myself, out of things I didn’t know I enjoyed. I put my energy into new things, found new hobbies, took classes.
My point is simply that I know how hard this time of year can be, I know how hard transitions are, and. I know how powerful those thoughts can be. I wish on a regular basis that I could go back in time and relive the best days of college. But I can’t. So I remember them happily and keep going forward.
And above all, please don’t ever think you are forgettable. I promise you there is someone out there missing you right now.
Sending you good vibes tonight <3
Overcome, find a spouse and build a family including friends.
I know it’s hard but you can conquer it just like you have been doing these 4 years. It may seem pointless to describe your feeling to others but don’t give up. Even if you don’t notice it, even if it takes long, a change will happen. I can totally understand what you are going through cause i’m going through it now. And don’t give up on the future. I know it looks dark and you don’t see the reason to carry on but stay strong. You CAN do it.
‘TheRoadSoFar’
supernatural reference?
i was wondering that, too. in any case though, the thing is this: you’re young. everything might feel uncertain and terrible right now but this is not how things are always going to be. there will be shifts and turns in your life that at this moment, you cannot possibly see. even looking back, you must be able to point to things that have changed your life, or at least small changes of pace that broke up the monotony. i understand the crushing weight of invisibility – no one cares about me much, either. school forces people too a bit, but then it goes away, and you remember how insignificant you are. the thing is, though, you need to find a way to keep that feeling of mattering inside of you, to pull it from where it lies when youre with others and keep it alive when there is no one there. its a lot easier said than done, but its the only way to stop this drowning, pointless feeling. best of luck to you xx