So frustrated

June 14th, 2018by ladolcemorte

I am really frustrated about being in this weird purgatory between life and death. I came really close to executing my plan a few weeks ago. But the plan was interrupted. I called a crisis line, telling myself that I just wanted to hear the voice of a real human before I did it so that I wouldn’t be entirely alone when I died, and also because I wanted to talk it out and be 100% sure that I was ready to do it. I ended the call, saying I was going to call back after taking a quick nap.

Instead, the phone rang and it was the police. They tracked which building the call was coming from (cell phone towers, I guess) and then they asked to come up and just “chat” with me…of course,  after the nice “chat”, they said they had to bring me to the hospital. And I was in the hospital for two nights. (After having been in another hospital for three weeks just a month earlier…)

I wondered, at the end of this, if maybe I just wasn’t ready to go through with it that night. I certainly did not expect the crisis centre to call the police, since I had told them I would call them back. But when the police called, I didn’t have to answer the phone.  And even after I had answered it, I could easily have hung up and executed my plan instead of engaging with the officers.   They hadn’t tracked the exact apartment I was in. There would have been ample time to pull off my plan…maybe I did want a rescue?  I thought “okay, maybe I don’t want this after all…maybe this is a sign”.

So I threw myself into self improvement: worked really hard on job applications, and also on losing weight and learning a new language…but the thoughts of suicide still haunted me…

And they haunt me still…they haunt me relentlessly…I feel like these thoughts (which are far more powerful than other thoughts–compulsions, maybe?) prevent me from fully engaging with life…but obviously I’m still here so I am not fully on the death side of the fence either.

I just feel…miserable…and I wish I could be 100% on one side: 100% committed to life or 100% dead and buried…

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