I’m starting to realize that I can’t trust anyone around me. No one is safe. Everyone in my life is here to torture me, whether they’re aware of it or not.
I’m stewing in confusion, terror, hate. I’ve been having unshakable, violent urges for weeks. I just want everyone who’s hurting me to disappear.
Today the urges are stronger than they’ve ever been. I feel like a time bomb. But unlike last year, there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t have health insurance anymore. I’m in school now, and wouldn’t be able to come back if I left. I can’t go to the hospital again, and I wouldn’t want to anyway, because I don’t know what they’d do to me there. I don’t know what to do at all, and I’m losing my fucking mind.
5 comments
I was hoping things would’ve gotten easier for you..
Now it seems like any options you have aren’t really options.
I think it’s like staying alive has this set path that would avoid further complications down the road for like life progression, and taking a break Or doing something different will screw it up and then you feel worse. Even though mental health is supposed to be important breaks don’t seem forgiven in most things.
If they don’t know they’re torturing you, do you mean that by keeping you alive?
I thought there was some type of coverage that applied to students, maybe I was wrong. Like if you’re under 25 and in college then you get covered by something.. might be my state.
It’s July though. Is that a summer term then or the beginning of the fall term? If you left after a semester was completed would you be able to come back? Even though that’s a long term thing…
Didn’t that visit last year to the hospital give you a reprieve though? Do you have any idea what gave that relief even if it was brief, or if there is a working alternative? I hope there’s a way you can at least have that again somehow.
They aren’t torturing me by keeping me alive. They’re torturing me mentally. Most of them just don’t know it.
I’m doing a summer semester right now. Semesters start very soon after each other, so there probably wouldn’t be enough time for me to squeeze a hospital stay in between them. Even if I could though, I don’t think I’d be able to wait that long.
The hospital definitely did help me, though I don’t know exactly how or why. I do remember benefiting from the rigid routine of it, but I’m autistic, so that’s not surprising. And I don’t think routine alone is what helped.
Whatever it was though, I felt much better for a while after. But then, a really bad thing happened (that I can’t talk about here, or else some of you will hurt me). And it was like tripping and falling down a long, dark staircase. Down and down and down. And now I’m here, worse than I was before.
Even if I could go back to the hospital, I probably shouldn’t, because I feel like if I go back, they’ll hurt me. They didn’t hurt me last time, but I think they’d hurt me this time.
Sorry to hear this w-f. I think a hospital would do me a lot of hurt.
Yes i have a lot of pains from hospital time… but the most painful thing is the never ending flashbacks of terror
I feel this way all the time…
I don’t know what to do either and how to feel about peopoe who hurt me, how I could ever get back at them from hurting me all the time. 🙁
The hurtful people in the world often don’t even feel like people… it would be nice if they weren’t, so getting back at them wouldn’t mean anything…