alone

hi.
i hate myself, here’s why.
i’m so fucked up, so stupid. i have no friends, im unlovable.
loving me is a hard thing to do. people don’t hang out with me, not just because of the things i did, but because of my anxiety. everyday anxiety type shit.
it’s hard for me to leave my house and go out, in front of people, without my heart beating fast and me getting cold. (i don’t know if that’s normal or not but everytime i’m anxious i lowkey get cold i don’t know if anyone else is like that) IF i’m in public for too long, i’ll desperately need privacy, alone time. so i can cry. cuz i’m not accustomed to this shit.
smiling and talking and living life with no worries. That’s not me.
i’ve never had social skills. i don’t know how to fucking talk, and i never have.
and i hate myself for that, i’ve always hated myself. i just wanna cry and die slowly. and painfully. i feel like i deserve it. and i hate when people tell me to forgive myself and stop living in the past. cus what if i don’t want to, huh? huh? what if i don’t want to??