death and self-harm

i feel like self harm is pointless, even though it felt good to me sometimes. i’ve hurt myself before.

i know that most people cut, but i tried that, and it doesn’t really satisfy me. sometimes i’ll just be minding my own business, doing whatever. then all these thoughts flood my mind again, how much i hate myself.  as if they were already in my mind but in the back of it, and now they’re all in the front. then i would grab something sharp and hold nothing back.

but the pain of cutting didn’t satisfy me, the blood did. (i like blood i know that sounds weird but i do). and once i thought about it, i only cut because everyone else cut, and i figured that just because everyone else should do it doesn’t mean i should.

i tried to get intoxicated, and alcohol is nasty. i don’t understand how you people drink it.

the thing i do the most, when i feel like i can’t do life anymore: i tie something around my neck, and pull on both sides, so i choke myself. i don’t know if that’s normal either, but i’ve always wanted to be choked. if my death day was tomorrow, i would hope to get choked. because i don’t like the fact that i’m breathing. being able to feel the breath come in and out of my lungs; i hate that shit. so i would choke until my face turns red and my throat’s closed shut and i can’t hear anything anymore, then i let go. then i do it again. then i let go. i think i should stop, but i don’t really know.

so i don’t cut that much anymore, and i choke myself. but one thing i’ve always wanted to do, is die.I love death. i really do. there’s something about death that makes me smile and light up inside. i always tell myself that when i die it’s all gonna be okay. i tell myself that if i really love death so much, and i do, that i should wait for it. i tell myself good things come to those who wait. i tell myself that sweet death is coming for me one day. i fantasize about that day. i call that day my Beautiful Day. so i’ll try to refrain from hurting myself and wait for my Beautiful Day.